09/25/2013 10:36 am ET Updated Sep 25, 2013

Obama May Be Straight Up Killing People With The Touch Of His Hand


Is President Barack Obama secretly using the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique when he shakes hands? Sure. Why not?

As The New York Post's Kate Sheehy theorizes, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani may have caught a lucky lifesaving break when he didn't end up shaking hands with Obama while in New York for the United Nations' General Assembly, as a bunch of other world leaders who have clasped hands with the president have met untimely fates and grave misfortunes:

Two years after Obama shook hands with Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafy at the G-8 summit in Italy in 2009, Khadafy was dead, tortured and killed by foes after a 42-year reign of terror.

In May 2011, Obama shook hands with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez at the Summit of the Americas in Trinidad — and just this past March, the communist leader died of cancer.

Not convinced? Sheehy goes on to note that Egypt's Hosni Mubarak and Silvio Berlusconi met with mishap after pressing the flesh with Obama. It's pretty convincing when you think about it. He's shaken hands with John Boehner in the past, and Boehner's life is just jam-packed with misery and regret. Hell, Obama hugged former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, and look what happened to that guy!

So, yeah, Obama might be some sort of dread necromancer or something. The only question: Will Dante de Blasio be next?

Obama’s handshake a ‘kiss of death’ [New York Post]

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Obama's Handshakes Around The World