09/26/2013 04:01 pm ET Updated Nov 26, 2013

5 Deceptive Ways To Make Yourself Hotter


As you've no doubt noticed, I'm a sensual man. I try to strike a balance in life between my serious, stoic, and business side and my irresistible, sexual-circus nature. It's a balancing act of awesomeness. But alas, like you, I find myself adrift in a sea of sexual deception with slowly deflating pool floaties and a semi-turgid pool noodle. How can we trust anything we see and grope in these days of butt implants and artificial strap-on vaginas? And it doesn't even have to be as permanent and expensive as surgery; there are plenty of low budget ways to turn yourself into a sexual tyrannosaur. It's becoming a chore to know if what you see is really what you're going to get when there are so many ways to make yourself appear more alluring that may literally fall apart when the lights turn off. Or turn on, if you're into the strobe light thing like I am.