10/01/2013 02:03 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

How The Government Shutdown Will Crap All Over You

Last night, after what seems like years of cheesy prop and sign-aided grandstanding, Congress failed to reach an agreement on how to fund the government and they shut that whole thing down (aside: imagine if Todd Akin were a Senator. LOL). But this GOP temper tantrum isn't all all humorously dramatic pandacam mourning and petulant government nerd pants-shitting; this shutdown is going to affect a lot of people, many of whom are not furloughed federal employees -- many of whom are just regular women, like you and me. Here's how we're all about to get crapped on.

Ladies who don't want to get the flu
The butt-clowns whose endless grandstanding caused the shutdown will still get paid because they are "essential government employees" (related: the word "essential," like the words "awesome" and "curvy," means nothing now; its definition has been obliterated by overuse). But you know who won't get paid? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's influenza program.

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