11/26/2013 09:03 am ET

Why I Am Leaving New York City

Michael Hitoshi via Getty Images

I have never let the fact that I do not live in New York City keep me from pursuing my dreams, and I am certainly not going to let it stop me from writing a Why I Am Leaving New York essay today. New York, I must take my leave of you, you withered bitch-hearted city, you poison-titted fuckmother, you beautiful sex demon.

I am leaving New York City because of all of these goddamned wizards.

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