01/14/2014 10:39 am ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Stephen Colbert Lays Out America's Only War Tactic: Invade Everyone

In light of former Defense Secretary Robert Gates' new memoir, "Duty," a firestorm of controversy has erupted over the U.S.'s war strategy over the last decade. Between Bush and Obama, the American presence in Iraq and Afghanistan seems only more and more hopeless -- especially now that al-Qaeda has returned to Iraq

"Al-Qaeda wouldn't have come back if the President hadn't abandoned Iraq after a mere eight years," Colbert said. "I, for one, was shocked that Obama flew to Baghdad to set a withdrawal date back in 2008, and even more shocked that he did it wearing a President Bush mask."

Colbert realizes that Middle Eastern clashes are far too complicated and ageless for the U.S. to handle (he places the blame squarely on Alexander the Great), so we only have one option.

"I am calling for a surge into the unstable region of everywhere," Colbert said. "Once we're fighting in every country on earth, at least we can never be drawn into another war."

Check out the full clip above.



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