01/29/2014 02:57 pm ET Updated Jan 29, 2014

Foods That'll Take You Straight Back To America, Where You Belong

Pardon our French, but we thought this was America's damn week, you guys.

Super Bowl. Flags. Eye black. Competition. Reflection. Snacks. Fighter jets flying overhead. America's week.

So when HuffPost Taste ran a story with the headline, "Foods That'll Take You Straight To France," we decided it was time to bring you right back here, to your couch, where there's always bacon, beer and football. American football.

For the record, we love our friends at HuffPost Taste. We drool over almost every article they write. But we've had to take them down a notch before, and we're about to do it again. Not just for journalism, but for the Stars and Stripes.

So first, look at the offending statement:


Now read about the foods that make us never want to leave these purple mountain majesties:

  • Smucker's Uncrustables
    Nothing screams "AMERICA, YOU GUYS" louder than not having to do any of the work yourself -- especially when that work was easy as hell in the first place. Allow us to reintroduce Smucker's Uncrustables, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that comes in a box, pre-made, allowing you to get back to sitting down and enjoying your life for once, jeez. It's about survival of the fittest 'round here.
  • Campbell's Chunky Hearty Cheeseburger 'Soup'
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
    Campbell's is arguably the most American soup company because it's also the "Official Soup And Chili Sponsor Of The NFL." Plus, the label gives great recipe ideas. The "Quick & Easy Idea" on the back of this one simply reads, "Just pour over a baked potato." So simple. Yet so bold. Try that recipe while you watch the Seahawks stomp the Broncos this weekend, mmkay?
  • 'New York Style!' Pizza Slices With FREE BURRITO INSIDE!
    The only reason Don Miguel's THE BOMB Beef, Cheese Sauce and Bean Burrito (99 cents in every gas station in America) didn't make this list is because there is a possibility -- a small one -- that this microwave pizza comes with a free burrito. The words "free" and "burrito" make the mouth-scalding cheese sauce worth it, because, let's face it, we have a lot of World of Warcraft to play.
  • Fast Food Lasagna
    Epic Meal Time
    Epic Meal Time's fast-food pizza is so American that we can totally overlook the fact that these guys are from Canada. Fifteen Big Macs, 15 Baconators, 15 Teen Burgers, onion rings, custom Jack Daniels meat sauce, bacon, and NO VEGETABLES. Pardon our French again, but f--k you, other food.
  • Donut Burger
    Jenny Craig taught us that buns have a lot of calories. Krispy Kreme taught us that donuts are freaking delicious. Get rid of that high-calorie bun and replace it with a delicious donut. You're done.
  • Hot Dog Spaghetti
    This creation is yet another lesson in let-your-food-do-the-work-for-you. Just shove some spaghetti in some hot dogs and cook it all together, at once. Et voila, you have a meal that's not only bold in flavor, but ready for you to kick it up a notch. Sure, ketchup is great, but why not meat sauce? How about velveeta? Where's the barbecue? Get cookin'.
  • Deep Fried Twinkies Covered In Other Stuff
    A great snack at county fairs, which you wouldn't understand if you weren't born in the land of the free, home of the brave.
  • The 'Jersey Breakfast'
    When "Jersey Shore" happened, the world used New Jersey's mistakes as a stereotype for the rest of the U.S. of A. You know what? Let them. The Jersey Breakfast is chock-full of nutrients from most of the food groups, and it tastes great. It's a bacon-wrapped hot dog served over a fried egg and melted cheese, served by Amazing Hot Dog in Verona. Thanks, Jersey, for your gifts to the world.
  • KFC Double Down
    France gave the world Daft Punk. America gave the world fried chicken as buns. The Double Down really thought outside the bun (yeah yeah, Taco Bell, we know) and opened the door to using anything that's not a bun as a bun. What's next, pizza? We hope so.
    Velveeta cheese is full of weird stuff that makes it melt perfectly and taste better than 7-eleven's nacho cheese, every single time. If you throw some of that with some 'penos on a Sloppy Joe -- an American classic, might we add -- you've got yourself a free trip on Flavor Cruise Line, captained by HuffPost Weird News.
  • Heart Attack Grill's Bypass Burger
    In America, we have laws against false advertising. Not only is Heart Attack Grill's food delicious, but its burgers literally make good on their promises. A man in Vegas had a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. The story really makes you want to wave your flag for freedom, you guys. Pictured above is the Double Bypass Burger, but it goes up to Quadruple Bypass if you're hungry.