COMEDY
02/05/2014 02:57 pm ET Updated Feb 07, 2014

You Call That A Hipster? These Are Some @#$%ing Hipsters.

"Hipster" is one of those words that is used so frequently in everyday vernacular, it's practically become meaningless. Every art school kid, aspiring graphic designer or ukelele player has had the term thrown their way from time to time. We'd contest that the overuse of the word is simply degrading to the cult of real, hardcore hipsterdom -- we're talking sewing machine-toting, unicycle-riding hipsters. Here's a field guide to spotting a proper hipster, in the wild:

1. A true hipster uses obsolete technology.

Because to make real art, you have to suffer more than the average person.

2. They often play super quirky instruments.

After all, banjos are way mainstream.

3. A true hipster also has hyper-intensive crafting equipment, which she brings with her -- everywhere.

According to the Imgur user who uploaded the picture, the spinner in question was politely working in the BMW Service waiting room.

4. They can't help it -- they just love making art.

Creating on the subway isn't for the faint of heart.

5. They also love cheap beer.

Too bad it's PBR...

They keep theirs under close watch.

6. And, above all else, they love celebrating their cheap beer through art..

This DIY beer aficionado singlehandedly elevated the cult of Pabst Blue Ribbon to true art.

7. Even if they mostly just picked it up from the hipsters of the past.

Clint Eastwood actually drinking PBR "before it was cool."

8. A true hipster's favored mode of transportation is often incomprehensible...

How? What? (He earns hipster bonus points for traveling with suitcase in hand.)

9. Or at the very least, dramatic.

Hipster God

They travel in a hipper stratosphere than you.

10. But again, usually they're just copycats of hipsters past.

Original Hipsters. Circa 1910.

A bicycle, before the vehicle was maimed by capitalism.

11. Or sometimes imitating trendsetters of an even further bygone era?

Perfect for Hipster Fred Flinstone, and pretty much nobody else.

12. Their uniforms range from standard...

Tight pants? Check. Big glasses? Check. Hair that stands out in a crowd. Check. Tiny scarf? Check. You're ready to start your hipster day!

13. To the very, very ridiculous.

The garter socks make the man.

14. But usually, that just means ripping off hipsters from the past.

An Imgur user uploaded this photograph of his father, which was apparently taken at Bob Dylan's “The Night of the Hurricane II," benefit concert, which took place inside the Houston Astrodome in 1976. Huge glasses were hip long before Instagram, kids.

15. Hipsters get tattooed with purpose.

Cool Camera Tattoo

Don't be silly, it's not a real camera -- this is the well-known hipster quality known as "irony."

16. Don't misunderstand -- they don't care that much about the tat they choose.

metal tard tattoo

Tattoos like this are completely spontaneous.

17. Hipsters also have well-coiffed facial hair.

Noodle bowl beards are environmentally conscious, but that's not why hipsters get them.

18. Which they sometimes send as a token of affection to a former boo.

Our condolences to the Reddit user who apparently received this special snail-mail love note from her ex-boyfriend. At least you still have the memories?


19. Probably because they know they can't live up to beards of hipsters past.

That's a windmill in a beard so, conversation over.

20. Hipsters love expanding their minds.

And, you know, goofing around with cats.

21. And they have no problem expressing their opinions.

Brunch or die, mofos.

22. But they're more reluctant to express their love without being sardonic.


uke

He's mostly not kidding:

ukelele

That well-known hipster mating call...

23. And the political philosophy they're most likely to subscribe to is apathy.

Behold, the disillusioned young-adult voting populace of London. They don't want to be part of any club that closes before 5 AM.

24. Most importantly, hipsters know how much they're hated, particularly by the hipsters of the past.

Death to Hipsters

After all, all the grouchy curmudgeons aren't very subtle.

Now that you know the anatomy of a hipster, you can distinguish between those true-blue hipsters, and some guy in skinny jeans who just happens to be wearing the plaid shirt his mom bought for him. Go forth, with irony and thick skin.

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