There are foods that are simply impossible to eat without creating a mess of either yourself or your surroundings. These foods are of course, the best foods -- the foods we crave, dream about and will pretty much scarf down anytime they're in front of us.
So this raises the question: Why? Why must the most delicious things also be the trickiest and messiest to eat? Why must we lose all dignity when biting into a chicken wing and all grace when attempting to conquer a meatball sub? The scientifically correct answer is, who knows? We just do.
One of two things will happen: You'll either emerge from this indulgent snack time with doughnut dust on your face or you'll emerge from this indulgent snack time with doughnut dust on your face. Basically, it's a lose-lose for everyone involved.
Hack: Cut into tiny pieces, open your mouth as wide as you possibly can and stick said pieces into your mouth ever so carefully. See? Easy.
Because BBQ sauce all over everything is the most graceful thing ever, except that it's not. It's the opposite of that. On your hands, on your face, under your fingernails (yes, really) and sometimes even in your hair. When on a first date, ban ribs... ban ribs for serious.
Hack: Fork and knife it? I know, booooring, but you got to do what you got to do.
Ice Cream Cones
Nothing will make you feel like more of a child than when you start licking the melted drizzles off of your hand and maybe even arm. At some point it stops being an enjoyable experience and turns into a race against the clock to see if you can consume it before it liquifies.
Hack: Always in a cup, man.
After eating a croissant at work, your desk looks like you've thrown yourself a party with bread confetti. Especially if it's fresh and flaky... and of course, that's when it tastes the best.
Hack: Give up. There's no winning with this one.
Doesn't matter if it's in a doughnut or danish or from the jar. If you're wearing clothes, you're likely to get a dollop of jelly on it at some point during consumption. The probability of this happening scientifically increases by one hundred percent if and when you're wearing white that day.
Hack: Bring an extra shirt and never ever wear white.
Because this is what we all look like when trying to eat sushi. Let's be real, it's not like you can bite these things in half. So you're pretty much stuck putting an entirely too large spicy tuna roll into your mouth and having to chew with your cheeks puffed up for at least one minute.
Hack: Open wide and just go for it. It's sushi for goodness sake, it's worth the embarrassment.
Your burrito will never look this neat, because within milliseconds of biting into it, it will self-destruct and all the juicy insides will come spilling out. Also, there's usually some type of salsa or sour cream or guacamole that's just dying to make its way onto your face.
Hack: Unroll the tortilla and make yourself a burrito bowl instead. You know it's inevitable anyway.
Any food that requires more than one type of utensil to eat is bound to be no walk in the park, especially when that utensil is, um... a HAMMER. Also, you're most likely wearing a bib and the lemon-juice-melted-butter sauce has now made its way up to your wrists... it's just a mess.
Hack: Hire someone to do the cracking, breaking and dipping for you, obviously.
If you're eating sans spoon, these are the only two options you have: slurp or bite and watch all the noodles fall to the bowl from your mouth. Neither is graceful, neither is recommended -- but somehow you'll end up doing a combination of both just to get through a bowl.
Hack: Um, use a spoon. Simple.
Melted cheese and marinara sauce? Yeah, good luck. Not to mention meatballs are a pretty awkward thing to be sandwiched. Where do you bite? Mid or post ball? You'll just end up with too hot and too big of a chunk in your mouth, watching your soggy melting sub slowly deconstruct in front of you.
Hack: Save yourself. Grab a slice of pizza with sausage on it or something. That's the same thing no?
PSA: Every time you eat spinach, you will get it stuck in your teeth. Face facts, this is life. But if you're a dare devil, carry on, spinach lover.
Hack: Cooked spinach is usually the culprit. Stick to raw and you should (no promises) be fine.
Ha. Ha ha. Ha. I hope you got your wet wipes ready for this one. There's no way, there's just no way. Plus the irresistible temptation to lick your fingers once you're done and further embarrass yourself in this situation is far too great. Why would you even put yourself in this position?
Hack: We got you covered -- here's how to eat chicken wings like a lady.
Let's be very real here, this shell is going to break into pieces the instant you bite into it. What you'll have after, is a mound of delicious fillings and several pieces of the shell scattered about your plate.
Hack: Grab a fork or break all the shells pre-eating and indulge in a nacho-type situation instead.
Don't let these delicious little things fool you. After finally grabbing hold of one that hasn't slipped through your chopsticks for the umpteenth time, try biting into it without all the savory insides falling out. Go ahead, try.
Hack: Pop the whole thing in your mouth like you would sushi. Just go for it.
This is not a good look. Ketchup, mustard and all the toppings either end up on the floor or (you guessed it) your face. And there's always some ridiculous onlooker who feels it's appropriate to make a phallic joke as you're taking each bite. Let's not, shall we?
Hack: They didn't make mini hotdogs for nothing.
And the most underrated of messy ungraceful foods...
Oh, you thought you'd just eat watermelon the normal way like it ain't no thing? Cool. Problem is it's basically all water. So yes, watermelon juice will start to run down your face, fingers, arms, stomach and legs all the way until it reaches the floor (probably not, but still).
Hack: Cut into pieces. Blend into juice. Freeze into pops. Anything but the alternative, really....
With foods like these, it's no wonder people suffer from FOEP (fear of eating in public, duh) on the regular. It's hard out there, good luck on your next first date and God bless.
All images Getty