Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
5yo:"Mom you know why I love you more than anything? Because you make the best blueberry muffins ever!" *tosses container from store bakery*
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 7, 2014
Me: Want me to make you some toast?
3: Don't burn it, OK?
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) April 9, 2014
I never feel as close to another mom than when she backs me up in a lie I told my kid. #ItTakesAVillage
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) April 9, 2014
My 4yo son asked if he could earn a cat. I said yes, first you need to grow up, get a job, move out and then he can have a cat. He said YAY!
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) April 6, 2014
(Driving my 9yr old home from party)
"Who was the man there?"
"Oh! He looked young."
"Yeah, well don't get any ideas."
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) April 6, 2014
You know that old joke about your kid playing the tree in the school play? Mine has escaped such a fate. She is playing grass.
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) April 10, 2014
Confession: When my kids do their homework, I hide in the pantry and eat Dutch caramel cookies. Let's keep this our little secret, shall we?
— Ilina Ewen (@IlinaP) April 8, 2014
Always be the seeker in hide & seek. It's 30 second of peace. I tweeted that while "counting."
— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) April 9, 2014
My son just yelled "MOM!" seven times while I was taking a shower. Haha, like I was going to answer that.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) April 7, 2014
While braiding my almost 6 yo's hair, THIS: "I can't wait to grow up and have mom hair and not have to comb it all the time!" Well, crap.
— Jenn Horton (@jennhorton) April 7, 2014
All my friends surprising their kids with Disney trips make me feel bad because my kid's surprises mostly involve ambush booster shots.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) April 8, 2014
Kids are like credit card debt that you have to feed and yell at.
— Paper Wash© (@PaperWash) April 10, 2014
The 3yro mooned the baby and then sang "Shake yer bum bum! Shake yer bum bum!" #goodlord
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) April 8, 2014
You're crying because you fell and got hurt doing what I told you not to do because you'd fall and get hurt doing it? How very surprising.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 8, 2014
My kid just let me pull a deep splinter out of her with my bare hands. Calling Chuck Norris for a paternity test.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) April 9, 2014
"Daddy, I want to watch Dora." Sweetie this is Dora. It's the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) April 3, 2013
When you have kids and it's quiet, you think "Someone's about to lose a limb." Then you remember limbs can be sewn back on & enjoy the quiet
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) April 9, 2014
Having kids is not for everyone, but if you like awesome science experiments that last decades, it's kind of cool.
— Adam Mordecai (@advodude) April 6, 2014
I gave the kids a colander to play with in the bath. I'll remind them of this in July when they ask me to take them to Splashwater Kingdom.
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) April 8, 2014
If Spider-Man took as long to put on his costume as JJ takes to put on his Spidey PJs, we'd all be dead now.
— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) April 8, 2014
Yet Another Way Parenting Is Like College: Late at night, I eat hummus and crackers over the sink so I won't have to do extra dishes.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) April 8, 2014
When you have a toddler, going to bed at night IS your nap.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 10, 2014
Read More Last Week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week 30 Totally Rotten Things Parents Do That Are Ruining Their Kids' Lives
My 2yo just asked why these guys are 'fighting'.
We are officially watching "Cars" too much. pic.twitter.com/u8Ohr2lKjk
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 7, 2014