If you're in the U.S. and don't have any weekend plans, we hear Prince Harry is looking to party. This is THE MORNING EMAIL for Friday, May 2, 2014.
The Scuttlebutt
- Gruesome details from the botched Oklahoma execution emerge
- List of 55 universities being investigated for how they handle sexual assault
- Donald Sterling might be dying
UKRAINE LAUNCHES OFFENSIVE AGAINST PRO-RUSSIAN FORCES
“Ukraine launched what appeared to be its first major assault against pro-Russian forces who have seized government buildings in the country's east, with fighting breaking out in the early hours on Friday around a city that has become the focus of the insurgency. Three deaths were reported in early fighting.” According to the Kremlin, “all hope” for a diplomatic agreement has gone out the window. Which makes sense, considering the Kremlin was encouraging a lot of faith with their live-in troops at the border. [AP]
BIG TECH DEFIES GOVERNMENT 
“Major U.S. technology companies have largely ended the practice of quietly complying with investigators’ demands for e-mail records and other online data, saying that users have a right to know in advance when their information is targeted for government seizure.” And in case you forgot, here’s a graphic explaining how the government is hacking into your favorite sites databases and accessing your information. [WaPo]
U.S.: LIST OF SCHOOLS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT
“From huge state universities to small colleges and the Ivy League, 55 schools across America are facing federal investigation for the way they handle sexual abuse allegations by their students. For the first time, the Education Department revealed its list of colleges under investigation on Thursday — though no details of the complaints — as the Obama administration sought to bring more openness to the issue of sexual violence on and around the nation's campuses.” See if your alma mater is on the list of the 55 universities under investigation for their handling of sexual assault cases. [AP]
STATESIDE: Floppy Discs Saving Us From Nuclear Destruction
Seattle plans to raise its minimum wage to $15, the highest in the country. The President of the L.A. chapter of NAACP resigned, because allegedly being bribed to dole out lifetime achievement awards doesn’t look too good on a performace review. The horrific details of the botched Oklahoma execution were published in a report of the incident today. This college newspaper was shut down after running an account of LBGTQ discrimination on campus. Our nuclear launch computers rely on floppy discs. Suprised 8-tracks don’t also make an appearance. And a Minnesota teenager who planned to massacre his high school with multiple bombs and guns was apprehended before he could carry out the killing spree. [Image via CBS]
In babies news, this one has quite the set of pipes as evidenced by its “Drunk in Love” performance. Hopefully the only thing he’s drinking comes from a sippy cup.
INTERNATIONAL INTRIGUE: Angela Merkel Is Not Impressed 
The New Republic reports on “Hell on Earth.” The number of school girls kidnapped has been revised to 276; the girls are allegedly being sold as brides for $12. German Chancellor Angela Merkel is not having Obama’s idea about a joint-spy agreement. Over 170 passengers are injured after a Seoul subway train rammed into another train stopped for repairs. The Wall Street Journal tells how the “Jesus Wife” hoax fell apart. Malaysian Airlines closed their assistance centers for the relatives of missing flight MH370, essentially telling the screaming family members to go home. And Turkey is now the poster child for severe internet censorship.
In teeney tiny news, here’s the smallest lizard you’ve ever seen.
BUY! SELL! BUY! Internet Explorer Fixed
Microsoft finally offered a fix for that security bug in Internet Explorer. It does not fix the fact that it is Internet Explorer, however. Warren Buffet is calling for Coca-Cola to make this change. AstraZeneca rejected a $106 billion buyout offer from Pfizer. And Netflix isn’t a fan of the Time Warner Cable and Comcast mergers.
In revenge news, here's a teacher one-upping a studen who tried ot one-up him.
SCOUTING REPORT: Donald Sterling May Have Cancer
That lifetime ban might not be for very long: Donald Sterling allegedly has advanced cancer. This guy figured out how to get into games for free. Elite prep school parents are holding back their lax bro kids for a year to increase their chances to play. Average cost of that fifth year? Over $30k. Grantland takes a look at the latest NFL draft scenarios. And looking to run a Tough Mudder? Watch out for the animal feces at the finish line.
In bearhug news, here’s a cat who actually shows affection.
CULTURE CATCH-UP: See You in a Few Days, Netflix is Calling
Let the binge-spiral begin: Netflix just added a bunch of movies and shows. A reddit user figured out why “A113” is in every Pixar movie. Kristin Chenoweth is set to play Maleficent in a Disney channel movie. We’re guessing they wanted to go in a nicer, less crazy cheekbone direction. And here’s a bunch of ridiculous before and after shots of stars who beefed up for superhero roles.
In learning the hard way news, this guy should stop trying to be Tarzan.
LIVIN’: Prostitutes + Twitter = Ultimate John Shaming
Men are attracted to women with more feminine features only if the mortality rate of the courntry is low, otherwise they go for the heartier folk. Gotta love Darwin in action. Taking notes by hand is better for your memory, and not just because you can’t play Minesweeper. Don’t pick up a prostitute in Maryland because cops are now live-tweeting their arrests for solicitation. Actually, don't pick up a prostitute anywhere. Stave off the “hangry” with these tips. The New York Times lays out how to save money on airfare. And here's what a bunch of successful people would say to their 20-year-old selves.
In little arms news, this girl knows how a t-rex feels.
OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS: Single Harry’s Living Large
Prince Harry is taking to the single life well by partying it up in the good ol’ U S of A. Robin Thicke is threatening to sue after the tabloids alleged his marriage fell apart after a three-way. This collection of photos of Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone adorably in love make us want to see “Spider-Man 2.” A “Little People, Big World” star is engaged! And Hillary Duff might be joining Scientology. Where’s Gordo when you need him? [Image via Tumblr]
In persistence news, here are some parrots that just want to befriend some dogs.
TWITTERATI
@carrieffisher: Love being vintage Leia & arthritic Leia.
@DylanByers: Here's a photo of @BuzzFeedBen in 2008, apparently hating his job: http://politi.co/1kxDEjk (h/t David Nather) pic.twitter.com/c0DwTtg1AB
@CoryBooker: My mom just wants me to "engage" one person. RT @NotmedioKre: Cory Booker does an outstanding job of engaging people
@neiltyson: Most who fear genetically altered food are unaware that nearly all food has been genetically altered via artificial selection
@Mike1493r: 1938 Cost of Living pic.twitter.com/0oRcpmyNQi
ONE MORE THING
This teenager took his great-grandmother to prom. Cue the collective awwwwww.
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