Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Sometimes they come out a little late, like this week's batch below. (We blame the kids.) Scroll down to read them all and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Putting socks on children at 8am is akin to wrapping someone's feet in rags soaked with acid.
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) May 7, 2014
Being cute won't persuade me to get up early to cook you eggs, kid. Hell, I'm the one who made you cute--shouldn't YOU be making ME eggs?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 7, 2014
I gave the kids some chocolate, then left the room. That was 15 minutes ago, and now it's suuuuper quiet. Any chance they fell asleep?
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) May 2, 2014
I don’t know where my phone is, but my 1-year-old must have it because it just automatically uploaded 97 pics of her hand to Facebook.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014
Once your baby becomes a Toddler, you throw away your "Baby on Board" bumper sticker and graduate to "Demon on Board".
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) May 7, 2014
"Watch how he can say his ABC's!
No, put that down.
I swear he said it a minute ago."
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) May 5, 2014
The recorder: instrument of every child's delight and every parent's nightmare.
— Kathy kissingthefrog (@lifewiththefrog) May 1, 2014
3yo: "someone hit me today!"
3yo: "the floor"
Me: "you mean you fell?"
3yo "yeah but it still hit me!"
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) May 8, 2014
I have a cut across the bridge of my nose. I'm telling people it's from a bar fight. But it's from my infant son's razor nails. He won.
— charliecapen (@charliecapen) April 28, 2014
4yo: So dad's your wife, right?
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) May 4, 2014
"It's just that I'm so cool and fun so the only way you can really rebel is by being boring. I don't envy you." - heart to heart w my son
— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) May 7, 2014
I'm sorry that I interrupted your story to ask 'do you smell poop', it's just who I am these days.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) April 28, 2014
Finishing Mother's Day card for his Grandma...
"Do you want to sign it too?" I ask.
"Nah, she'll know who it's from," he says.
— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) May 7, 2014
5 yr old daughter asked if there's ever a time I won't tell her what to do. I told her to ask her grandmother.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) May 8, 2014
An actual thought I just had: "Dammit! Why do I keep driving by all these firetrucks when my toddler isn't in the car?"
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) May 1, 2014
63% of when I play pretend with my daughter is pretending to be knocked out in hopes my daughter will just let me sleep
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 6, 2014
Having 4 loud kids is like being the town drunk.
Whenever I run into someone vaguely familiar, I wonder how embarrassing the backstory is.
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) May 7, 2014
I had my pregnant wife hold my beer as I went to the bathroom...
Because I felt she needed to be judged by 300 strangers...
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 11, 2014
My son has a severe case of senioritis. This would be totally understandable...if he weren't 10.
— Ilina Ewen (@IlinaP) April 25, 2014
It's about time the DSM-V named a disorder for what happens to kids when you bring them home from Grandma's house.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) May 2, 2014
Just spent a full minute trying to scrub a freckle off my son's face.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 4, 2014
We take our kids out to eat because our sanity is the price we're willing to pay for not having to do dishes.
— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) May 1, 2014
What's the most polite way to ask your kids to run away?
— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) May 9, 2014
7:30pm and it's STILL light out? How am I supposed to convince my kids it's bedtime? It's like I have to wait for their actual bedtime:(
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) May 2, 2014
Why is it that when I say " Put away your toys" my children react as if I said "Put the lotion in the f@&$ing basket"?
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 8, 2014
I know it's past bedtime because my 4yo has decided to clean the bathroom "for fun."
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) May 8, 2014
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