06/08/2014 09:42 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Weird Gifts For A Weird Dad

On Mother's Day, we honor Mom. On Father's Day, we roast the hell out of him.

Goofy gifts have become a tradition on that June Sunday when we honor the man of the house, and that's because dads love weird stuff. That's because, ideally, dads show us how to act mature while still thinking like a kid.

Now, once again, we give you our Father's Day gift guide, so that you can help the patriarch in your life express his inner weirdness -- and he can help you with yours.

  • IGrow Laser Helmet
    Dad may say he doesn't want anything for Father's Day, but, chances are, he would like back some of the hair he pulled out of his head trying to raise you properly. The IGrow hair growth system is supposed to increase hair growth through a helmet that shoots laser beams on the scalp. It costs $695, but you should get that money back from Dad when you threaten to post photos of him wearing the helmet on social media.
  • Six Pack Beer Belt
    If your dad's idea of a seven-course meal is a steak and a six-pack, the beer belt is perfect. It allows Pop to keep six cans of whatever he likes close at hand. To make this gift even classier (if that's possible), you can have it monogrammed.
  • FitBand
    Your dad's gut may be pouring out over his Dockers, but the FitBand will allow him to regain a little bit of his girlish figure while reducing lower back strain. Whether he gets his dignity back is another story.
  • Giant Fishing Lure
    Catching a big fish requires a big lure. At least that's the theory behind this six-foot-tall fishing lure. It costs more than $400, but when Dad opens up the box and sees it, he'll be hooked -- line, sinker and everything else.
  • Tent That Looks Like 1965 VW Van
    Does your dad constantly blab about the olden days when he used to follow Dave Matthews or Phish around the country while selling bootleg concert T-shirts? He can relive those days with a tent designed to look like a 1965 VW van (bootleg concert T-shirts sold separately).
  • Sunglasses That Double As Beer Openers
    For some boozehound daddies, nothing is worse than being without a bottle opener. Brewsees solves that dilemma by putting bottle openers on the frames of sunglasses. Best of all: Your father will spend hours telling people about how, when all hope was lost, your gift allowed him to get his drink on.
  • Tiny Statues Of People Having Sex
    Ever wonder why Dad spends so many hours tending to his garden. With these little statues, the answer is obvious: He's watching 3D porn.
  • Donkey Piss Tequila
    A dad who likes tequila is an easy dad to buy gifts for. And if your dad also likes donkeys, piss or the combination of donkeys and piss, you will be his favorite child with this subtly named spirit.
  • My Little Pony Boxers
    A good dad is one who is secure in his masculinity. What better way to show that faith in him than a pair of Rainbow Dash-themed boxers. It will bring out the Brony in him.
  • Putter Cup
    Dads who love golf are the easiest to buy for because they love anything related to the sport. But this coffee cup that doubles as a tiny putter cup is great because he can practice his swing at the breakfast table.
  • Knit Gladiator Helmet
    With global warming nigh, your dad may not have many chances to wear this beanie designed to look like a gladiator helmet. But he will appreciate that you want to keep his head warm in a whimsical fashion. It will also come in handy if he ever has to portray a Roman centurion in freezing weather.
  • Zombie Socks
    The verdict is still out on what kind of fashions will be popular during the impending zombie apocalypse. However, these zombie socks bring new meaning to the term "Walking Dead."
  • T&A Pole Dancer Drink Stirrer and Skull Glass
    No matter how much your dad loves being your father (and I'm sure he does), there is still a part of him that fondly remembers when he was a dashing young blade. These cocktail stirrers of pole dancers will remind him of the times when he learned the hard way that there is no sex in the champagne room.
  • Bacon Wallet
    It's safe to say we've reached peak bacon. However, part of being a dad means being slightly behind the times so he will love this bacon wallet and be convinced that he is somehow "hip" by using it. That is, unless he's a vegan.
  • DarthDriver
    When your dad's golfing foursome see this Darth Vader cover on his drivers, they will know he is a force to be reckoned with.
  • False Teeth Bottle Opener
    A wall-mounted bottle opener is good to have, especially near the barbecue. Your dad won't get in your grill when he gets this handy gift.
  • Reel Roaster Lifestyle
    Nothing is more relaxing than roasting weenies or marshmallows over an open fire, but the constant turning needed for an even burn can be boring -- or worse! -- lead to carpal tunnel syndrome. Reel Roasters are set up like a fishing pole so that Dad can relax while cooking his weenie to his exact specifications.
  • Fancy Looking Bibs
    Just because your dad is dressed to the nines doesn't mean he's not a slob when he eats. Sadly, it's not respectable for an adult to ask for a bib. But Dress Tiez bibs allow Pop to eat like a pig without worrying he will get most of his meal on his shirt.
  • ManCrates Zombie Kit
    If there is one thing that could mar Father's Day, it's Dad's nervously worrying that the impending zombie apocalypse is about to strike that very minute. Think of how at ease he will feel when he opens up this crate chock full of handy zombie-fighting goodies, including spam, a machete, and duct tape.
  • Bottle Stopper
    How big is this guy's appendage? Big enough to cork a wine bottle. 'Nuff said.
  • Chinon Legato Speaker For iPhone
    If Pop is an audiophile, he might occasionally gripe about the bad sound quality of iPhones. That is, when he's griping about his arthritis, rheumatism or not being able to carry an AK-47 into Chipotle. The Legato uses a wood horn-like creation to naturally amplify the iPhone without the use of batteries. He will be happy with the sound, and go back to griping about not being able to bring firearms into Chipotle.
  • Waterproof Bluetooth Speaker That Looks Like Sperm
    If you're spending Father's Day by the pool, Dad will get a kick out of this waterproof bluetooth speaker that allows him to play his favorite tunes without risking ruining that iPod you gave him last year. This speaker is called the Swimmer, which is fitting since it looks just like the "swimmers" that made him a dad in the first place.
  • Spinach Can Koozie
    Halloween Costumes
    Just because Dad drinks a lot of beer doesn't mean he wants everyone to know. This Koozie will keep his suds cold while fooling everyone else that he's actually eating salad. Lots and lots of salad. Like 12 cans at a time.

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