The simple beauty of a bathroom routine cannot be overstated. It is a vestibule of silence in an otherwise hectic day, the breeding ground for many an “a-ha!” moment, and, in all honesty, the place where we engage in the most basic and humble of human activities.
And while each and every one of us experience bathroom time in our unique way, some behavioral patterns have clearly emerged.
Based on our wholly anecdotal and unscientific research, below are the seven definitive bathroom behaviors we've seen in the wild. Whether you are a “sprinter,” or a combination “multi-tasker” and “Girl Scout,” this list has a place for every potty persona.
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THE GIRL SCOUT
“Be prepared” is your motto for every facet of life, and the porcelain lair is no exception. Before nary a belt is unbuckled, you make sure that you are ready for any, and ALL, emergencies. You must verify everything is in place before settling in for the big event. Toilet paper stocked? Check. Fresh bar of soap? Check. Door locked? Window cracked? Check, check.
Supplies required: Soap, batteries, extra TP and some good old GORP for longer journeys. (For the uninitiated Scout: we're talking about trail mix.)
Time spent: 8 minutes, 37 seconds.
THE RISK TAKER
You are the anti-Girl Scout in the sense that you are never, ever prepared. Every trip to the loo is a great unknown, and whether things go well or badly, you're in it for the thrill. Some advice? Just check that toilet paper roll. It's really all you need anyway.
Supplies required: You go in with little more than the skin on your back and a thirst for the unexpected.
Time spent: However long it takes before someone rescues you from the toilet paper-less john.
THE MULTITASKER
You are a material man sitting on a material can. You like gadgets and toys and multitasking, and the bathroom is the perfect place for your absorbing interests. You can sing, play Candy Crush, cut your nails and do your business all at the same time, and that’s pretty darn impressive.
Supplies required: At least three electronic devices and a headset of some sort.
Time spent: Depends how long this movie is.
THE NIRVANA SEEKER
The bathroom is a sacred space, and nothing upsets you more than having the energy in the room thrown off. In your sanctuary, you'll find nary a freezing-cold tile, jarring echo, or smudge on the floor. Although you will make rare and psyche-scarring exception, you prefer to do your duty in the privacy of your home base, with all conditions perfectly met.
Supplies required: Your mantra
Time spent: The fourth dimension doesn’t exist
THE SPRINTER
Let’s just say, you have other things to … doo. Lounging around isn’t your forte, and you would rather be in and out of the lavatory, lickety split, than wait around for extra action. It’s a lovely day outside, and that half-marathon isn’t going to run itself.
Supplies required: A jetpack
Time spent: Your record is a solid 23.8 seconds
THE MASKER
You like to treat your toilet time like a cat burglary. Silence is key, and so is taking care that not a single odoriferous whiff remains upon your deparature. You’ve got the fan on, water running, candle burning and air freshener handy: all of the ingredients for a lovely and dignified occasion.
Supplies required: Travel-sized spray and a white-noise machine.
Time spent: A few extra minutes making sure all safeguards are in place.
THE SPARTAN
Bells and whistles are not your thing when it comes to doing the toilet tango. All you need are the bare necessities: unscented soap, running water and not much more. A relatively plush bathroom rug is your idea of high luxury.
Supplies required: Nature’s Call
Time spent: Just the right amount