Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Don't become a parent if you don't want to feel every emotion within the first 5 minutes of waking up.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 4, 2014
To wake my daughter, I usually say, "Time to get up," and she complains and falls back asleep.
Today I yelled, "Centipede!" It worked.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) September 4, 2014
Needed: Craigslist Missed Connections but for when you meet cool moms on the playground.
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) September 5, 2014
"You want me to bathe AND brush my teeth? In the same morning?"
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 3, 2014
What is up with kids only asking existential/complex math questions of their parents before coffee happens?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 4, 2014
I took the "What Kind of Parent are you?" Facebook quiz and my results came back "The Kind that Ignores your Kids While you Take Quizzes."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 2, 2014
My 2 year old's least favorite sippy cup is whichever one I already poured his drink into.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 3, 2014
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my kids' screen time until school starts. We never go over 9 or 10 hours a day.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) August 26, 2014
Some days I’m blown away by how much my 4-year-old knows about the world.
Other days I have to explain why she shouldn’t lick random people
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2014
I'm truly a mother now because today I mom-armed my empty passenger seat.
— Erin Donovan (@gonnakillhim) September 4, 2014
My kids are having a calm, quiet conversation in the other room. They must be plotting my murder.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) August 29, 2014
It finally happened. Took 4 and 2 out to lunch today, saw a couple with a newborn, and thought: That part was easy.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) September 3, 2014
Sometimes when my 3yo hugs me out of nowhere it's amazing and it makes it all worth it. Sometimes he's just wiping his snot on my shirt.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 5, 2014
Ummm, I have TOO finished a book this year. I’ve read Goodnight Moon at least 200 times.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) September 4, 2014
"Don't Call Me a Baby" is the ballad of youngest siblings everywhere.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) September 1, 2014
My toddler truly has no idea how difficult it is to take someone seriously when they're wearing nothing but underwear and sparkly shoes.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) August 31, 2014
Because of all the interruptions, my wife and I have decided to talk when the kids go to college.
— Andry H'Tims (@Thing_Finder) September 6, 2014
"Do you know what's even better than yelling? Whispering."
- Me, lying to my 3yo
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) September 6, 2014
I'm never watching my kids, bc the rules of literature state that the more I ignore them the more delightful their adventures.
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) September 6, 2014
I'm pretty sure the Peanuts character PigPen was inspired by what a toddler looks like after a day at preschool.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 29, 2014
Do not tell a kid you didn't understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) September 1, 2014
My 9yo just threw his quarter in a fountain and wished for money.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) September 7, 2014
I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards.
Now let's see those kids get out of there.
— Dippy Blonder (@DippyBlonder) September 5, 2014
Kids will always remember the time Facebook & eBay were down together as "that one time Mom played with us"
— yo quiero taco (@daykneeaj) September 3, 2014
Me: What do you kids want for dinner?
Me (picking up phone): That's great! Pizza it is then.
— Red Hot Momma (@redhotmomma99) September 4, 2014
"Ok, we only have to put them back in their rooms thirty-five more times and it's bedtime."
-How Husband and I get ready to relax.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 26, 2014
My kids' favorite joke of mine is "It's time to go to bed".
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) September 4, 2014
Keep clicking: See last week's funniest parenting tweets >>