POLITICS
09/09/2014 04:22 pm ET Updated Sep 09, 2014

HUFFPOST HILL - New Watch

Kirsten Gillibrand dismissed Northern Virginia as a "soulless suburb," though if she's looking to put down places filled with white people where nothing happens, she need look no further than the Senate. Republican Senate candidate Bill Cassidy compared Harry Reid's Senate to slavery, even though the nuclear option did away with a 3/5ths compromise. And Apple unveiled its smartwatch, forever liberating mankind from the tyranny of having to reach into our pockets to access all the world's information. We're calling it the "mind Segway." This is HUFFPOST HILL for Tuesday, September 9th, 2014:

OBAMA PREPARING TO ADDRESS ISIS STRATEGY WHILE ARMED FORCES READY FOR DEPLOYMENT - David Wood: "As President Obama gives a national address Wednesday evening on how he intends to destroy the Islamic State (ISIS) without putting American 'boots on the ground,' ...an assessment by the Army's training and doctrine command describes hypothetical future enemies in terms that sound just like the Jihadists who are running rampant across a swath of Iraq and Syria. The paper warns that U.S. adversaries will blunt the effectiveness of air power by dispersing and 'intermingling with civilian populations to defeat or avoid the intelligence, surveillance and precision fires of U.S. forces.' They 'will use mines, IEDs and anti-tank guided missiles' to counter the U.S. advantage in tanks and armored vehicles, as Hamas did against Israeli forces this summer in Gaza. They 'will employ suicide attacks and mass murder to instill fear and intimidation, elicit provocative responses, perpetuate continual conflict, and undermine public will among U.S. and friendly populations ...'" [HuffPost]

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET - I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't regulate that. Zach Carter: "[A]t least one Republican, House Science Committee Chairman Lamar Smith of Texas, isn't taking the leadership's do-nothing agenda sitting down. On Wednesday, Smith intends to dedicate an entire hearing to the privatization of asteroids via a new property rights regime for deep space. The bipartisan legislation, introduced by Reps. Bill Posey (R-Fla.) and Derek Kilmer (D-Wash.), takes a first-come, first-served attitude to asteroid mining... The bill seems to suggest that whoever is first to land on a specific asteroid gets all the stuff." [HuffPost]

HOUSE GOP NOT FIRED UP ABOUT EBOLA - Their thinking is that if you subsidize something you get more of it. Elise Viebeck : "House Republicans indicated Tuesday that they will provide less than half of the White House's funding request to fight Ebola in the next government spending bill. According to a source familiar with the negotiations, House Appropriations Committee Chairman Hal Rogers (R-Ky.) agreed as of Tuesday morning to spend a total of $40 million to fight the epidemic in the 2015 spending bill… CDC Director Thomas Frieden says the epidemic is spiraling out of control and needs immediate attention from lawmakers and officials around the world. " [The Hill]

PARANOID SELF-LOATHING GOP LOBBYIST TRIES TO PRESERVE A LIBERAL LION'S LEGACY - HuffPost Hill's Paranoid Self-Loathing GOP Lobbyist, who made a vollyball look like a face and named it "Tip O'Neill" to keep him company in his subterranean panic room, doesn't like the way the left is tarnishing the late Ted Kennedy's agenda. "Hey La Raza," PSLGOPL writes, "remember when then Sen. Obama voted against Sen. Kennedy's comprehensive immigration reform amendment in the last two years of Bush's term?" Thanks, PSLGOPL!

DAILY DiLANEY DOWNER - Adventures in brand-building, via Kevin Short: "DiGiorno Pizza, in a bafflingly tone-deaf tweet, used the hashtag '#WhyIStayed' to suggest that you might 'stay' somewhere for pizza. Carelessly, it didn't notice that the hashtag is currently being used for people to hold a conversation about domestic violence and share stories of surviving abuse, in the wake of a new video showing NFL star Ray Rice's vicious attack on his then-fiancee Janay Palmer." [HuffPost]

It's not delivery, it's demeaning!

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HOUSE PANELS A TOTAL SAUSAGE FACTORY: REPORT - Laura Bassett: "The U.S. House of Representatives is far more interested in hearing from men than women when it considers new legislation, according to an analysis released Tuesday by the Sunlight Foundation. The analysis, based on data from the Clerk of the House, found that women have made up only 23 percent of the more than 5,000 witnesses called to testify before House committees and subcommittees in the 113th Congress. The numbers are significant because the majority of lawmaking in Congress happens in committees. Lawmakers call witnesses to share expertise and personal stories that help shape each piece of legislation being considered." [HuffPost]

BAH BAH BAH BAH BAHHHH, I'M HATIN' IT - "Before I yield the remainder of my time, Mr. Chairman, I'd just like to thank the panelists for bringing us these delicious Mac Snack Wraps ::chomp::." Dave Jamieson: "A legal dispute over whether McDonald's can be held accountable for the labor law violations of its franchisees spilled into Congress on Tuesday, when House Republicans held a hearing to defend the franchise system that insulates fast-food companies from liabilities. As they have throughout the Obama presidency, GOP lawmakers assailed the National Labor Relations Board, whose general counsel recently determined McDonald's to be a 'joint employer' alongside its franchisees for the purposes of labor law. The decision has alarmed big fast-food companies, which fear it could make them liable for wage violations and more susceptible to unionization. Although no one from McDonald's testified at the hearing, Republicans made it clear whose side they were on, painting the joint-employer status as an assault on free enterprise." [HuffPost]

Self-parody in this morning's Playbook: "NOVELTY HANDSHAKE: As Anita Dunn walked past the terrace of Bobby Van's on 15th Street yesterday, I couldn't resist introducing her to Mark Holden, Koch Industries general counsel." Thanks, Mikey!

@john_dingell: I've gotten pretty good life out of my Casio watch, to be honest. It tells me the time and even beeps on the hour. What more could you need?

EX-STAFFER ACCUSES MCMORRIS RODGERS OF ETHICS VIOLATIONS - Roll Call: "A former communications director for House Republican Conference Chairwoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers sent reporters a 1,959-word email Monday accusing the Washington Republican of 'retribution' for in connection with an ethics complaint against her office — a serious charge that is the latest alleged impropriety in an ongoing Ethics Committee investigation. Todd Winer, the former communications director for McMorris Rodgers and, more recently, for Rep. Raúl R. Labrador of Idaho, allegedly brought a complaint against McMorris Rodgers in July 2013 for using taxpayer-funded staff and resources in her bid to become conference chairwoman. The Office of Congressional Ethics referred the case to the Ethics Committee in February, and the Ethics Committee said it was continuing to investigate the matter in March." [Roll Call]

GOP HOUSE MEMBER: LET MY PEOPLE GO - Sam Stein: "Rep. Bill Cassidy (R-La.), the Louisiana House member in a tight race for the state’s Senate seat, found himself in a self-inflicted mess Tuesday morning when it surfaced that he had made comments comparing Congress to slavery. Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.), he said, according to a report published by E&E Daily, 'runs the Senate like a plantation.' 'So instead of the world's greatest deliberative body, it is his personal, sort of, 'it goes if I say it does, if not it stops.' Senator Landrieu's first vote for him to be re-elected means that every other wish for a pro-oil and gas jobs bill is dead. Reid will never allow a pro-oil and gas jobs bill.'" [HuffPost]

Can we trust Tom Wolf with our fetish films? "The campaign of Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate Tom Wolf (D) pulled an ad on Monday featuring a man who once appeared in a porn fetish film. Alan Benyak, an attorney and former judicial candidate, appears in front of a Jeep and attests that Wolf served in the Peace Corps. Unbeknownst to Wolf's campaign, however, Benyak once starred as Mr. Cannibal in 'Breeding Farm.' A synopsis from IMDB describes the film this way: 'Four friends are kidnapped by a mysterious man. The friends wake up in a basement, and realize they are part of something horrifying. A human breeding farm. They are to be milked, bred, and much, much worse!'" [HuffPost]

JOE BIDEN KNOWS HOW TO TREAT A LADY ... no really, he actually does. Sam Stein: "Appearing on NBC's "Today" show, Biden pointed out that a good chunk of the NFL's fan base is female, giving the league an imperative to act. But he also acknowledged that the first punishment (a two-game suspension), which came after the initial video emerged of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancee from the elevator, was too lenient..."...when the video was out there, and saw how brutal it was, the Ravens did the right thing: fired him, immediately. Now you can argue: They should have done it sooner, they didn’t want it. Whatever the reason is, it’s happening," [Biden said]." [HuffPost]


Yes

Kirsten Gillibrand: Clarendon is for squares: "Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D) was very clear about one thing in her new book: she didn't like living in Arlington, Virginia. The junior senator from New York, in her new book 'Off The Sidelines: Raise Your Voice, Change The World' describes how living across the Potomac River didn't quite fit with her family. She details how her husband hated living in Washington when they were there and said Arlington was a 'soulless suburb.'" [TPM]

BECAUSE YOU'VE READ THIS FAR - Here are cats bullying people.

HAHA IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE - Wait, this isn't funny at all. The Hill: "Sen. Jeff Flake says when lobbyists compete against Congress, it’s usually a good idea for them to let the lawmakers win. Lobbyists appeared to heed the Arizona Republican’s advice on Monday, losing the congressional charity basketball game 46-40. 'Usually lobbyists, if they know what’s good for them, by the fourth quarter they let the members win. If not, their bills are in the dumpster. Most of them are smart enough to realize that,' Flake quipped ahead of the bipartisan game. The 16th annual showdown between lawmakers and lobbyists, held at The George Washington University’s arena, raises money for the Hoops for Youth Foundation, which helps at-risk youth in the D.C. area." [The Hill]

COMFORT FOOD

- HuffPost's coverage of the Apple Watch unveiling.

- A summary of the new features on the upcoming iOS 8.

- The opening to "Ducktails" filmed with real ducks.

- The last Prime Minister's Questions was especially rowdy and British.

- Interactive flowchart of all the relationships on "Orange is the New Black."

TWITTERAMA

@KagroX:¯\_(ツ)_/"¯

@floorcharts: Who has drone coverage of Apple event?

@ryanadvert:

"I give you...the new iPhone!"

*holds out empty hand*

"It's invisible!"

*crowd blinks, hurls money at stage*

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