Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
"Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 14, 2014
What is it about the phrase, "we need to hustle!" that makes my 4 year old daughter immediately want an Elsa inspired hair style.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) September 8, 2014
If "not feeling" pants was a good enough reason not to wear them, NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WOULD EVER WEAR PANTS.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) September 19, 2014
I had kids so that I would never forget what it feels like to be ignored.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) September 19, 2014
Some days I feel like Oprah.
You get a time out!
And you get a time out!
And YOU get a time out!
— Michelle M (@MichelleMossey) September 17, 2014
When your 4-year-old asks if you want to hear the most annoying sound ever, say no. Trust me.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) September 19, 2014
Explaining sarcasm to a four year old and other methods of self torture
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 17, 2014
I say "Sit...Stay." to my kids more than I ever have to my dog.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) September 19, 2014
Traveling with five little kids is like traveling with five little kids.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 21, 2014
The great miracle of raising children is the fact that half the time they are the root of all misery and half the time they are the cure.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) September 17, 2014
What idiot decided to call it "a mom" instead of "a glorified butt wiper?"
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) September 15, 2014
Turn Your Fucking Clothes Right Side Out You Lazy Assholes!
-A mom's guide to doing laundry
— JuneBug (@jenyb4) September 14, 2014
Hanging my head in shame while I watch my 6 year old try to plug in a book.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) September 21, 2014
Much to my 12yo son's horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base's “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 20, 2014
2-year-old: Why doesn’t my little sister talk?
Me: She’s just a baby.
2: Is she lazy?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 19, 2014
Kids: breaking expensive shit since ever.
— ginger b (@Sillygingermom) September 17, 2014
Me: Ew. Why is this wet?
Kid: Oh, that is where I am keeping my spit.
That's it. I quit.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) September 18, 2014
We need a 911 that summons babysitters.
BS 911: What's yr emergency?
Me: I'm gonna dropkick my son & burn all his toys.
BS: Be there in 5.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 19, 2014
I know that I'm an adventurous woman because I take my kids out in public.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) September 19, 2014
Time spent complaining about homework > time spent actually doing homework
— Sasha Emmons (@semmons) September 22, 2014
*makes peanut butter toast for self
*reflexively cuts into fun shapes
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) September 14, 2014
You know you're a dad when you're out at a restaurant without your kids and you instinctively cut your food into tiny pieces.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) September 22, 2014
"No candy means no candy"
*walks into other room
*sneaks Reese's peanut butter pumpkin
— WineIsMySanity (@sanityinabottle) September 15, 2014
*eats 2 bites of dinner
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) September 17, 2014
I've never been released early from prison but I did just get a child to fall asleep an hour before her actual bedtime. Same thing.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) September 16, 2014
I should record my cheers about the kids' 7:30pm bedtime and use them as my alarm for the no doubt 5:30am wake-up.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) September 17, 2014
Parenthood pretty much guarantees that 8pm will forever feel like 2am.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) September 17, 2014