When it comes to food, we are not hard to please. Ask anyone. We will pretty much eat anything that comes within a few yards of our mouths.
So, when we say that we’re no longer hungry for a certain food trend, you know there’s a big, big problem. We partnered with Mucinex®, the brand that's all about ending the misery in your life, to call out the most obnoxious trends.
You're on notice, chefs. End these trends. End them immediately.
Don’t get us wrong: kale is a lovely green thing. When we’re in the mood for veggies, we turn to kale. But recently we have noticed that kale is everywhere. We can't take a bite out of a chip or a nibble from a cupcake without tasting it. We worry where will it turn up next. Our birthday cake? Our toothpaste?
Stop the spread now -- before it's too late.
Juice Cleanses, AKA the Liquid Method for Slow Starvation
No one needs juice to cleanse their body. A body is a giant, walking trash compactor with a self-cleaning function. It is literally cleaning your insides while you read this. Also, spoilers: no one is losing that much weight because, during a cleanse, metabolism slows to a crawl. Instead, the juice cleanse is just making everyone insanely cranky. With hunger.
That makes us cranky. Quit it.
In the old days pumpkins only came out around the holidays, usually in delicious pie form. Now we have pumpkin beer, pumpkin latte, pumpkin pasta, and, somehow, pumpkin-spiced foie-gras mashed-potatoes.
Keep pumpkins in our pies, our soups and our front stoops. Nowhere else.
The “New” Quinoa
We literally just figured out how to pronounce “quinoa,” and now we’re already expected to move on to the next ancient supergrain? Freekeh? Kamut?! TEFF?!?
No. We refuse to try anything else. If you need us, we’ll be rocking in the corner, clutching onto bags of white rice.
Food Being From a “Farm”
Of course it comes from a farm. It is food. It does not grow in factories or warehouses or depots or mixed commercial/residential property. No, really -- where else would food grow but a farm? Find a better way to say that food is fresh. For instance, use the word "fresh." Please.
Pretending That The Paleo Diet is Incredibly Healthy
We like grilling and consuming vast amount of meats, we really do. But let’s not indulge in the fantasy that it’s wise to copy the exact eating habits of a group of proto-people whose average time on this Earth was, oh, say, 22 years. (Especially since the healthiest people on Earth eat tons of the Paleo-forbidden rice.)
You know how a caveman would feel about a plate of spaghetti? Ecstatic. Stop Paleo.
Excessively Gendered Foodstuffs
We are not entirely sure why the plastic package of salad we buy in the grocery store needs to be called “Girl Greens.” Is it less-than-manly to eat a piece of spinach, we ask you? Is that not what Popeye did to grow his muscles to obscene size? Women can eat steak. Men can eat yogurt.
Putting Everything In Mason Jars
This was super cute when the struggling dive down the bar did it! But the folksy charm is somehow lost on us when the restaurant with the $27 burger is using a mason jar to serve us our bill. And don’t dare serve us a salad or a dessert in one.
Fancy restaurants have way more money than Grandma. Stop stealing her dishware.
This is not as funny or as smart as the Internet thinks. At least the person taking pictures of food has, you know, a pretty picture of food. The person taking pictures of the person taking pictures probably only has a picture of some bearded, tight-pantsed stranger cluttering up their phone’s storage space. Leave the hipsters be.
We're hip. We're not opposed to fusion. For instance, fusion power seems like a pretty good idea? And we listened attentively that one time Jay Z and Linkin Park made that CD together. But this reckless orgy of experimentation must stop. We do not want our ramen turned into a dessert or a burger. We cannot stand idly by while chefs destroy the already Platonic perfection that is the bagel.
End the trends now. We are not kidding.
Is there another food trend deserving an early retirement? Let us know in the comments.