Originally conceived as a day for celebrating the dead, modern Halloween has become a venue for all manner of ghastly behavior. Normally, we wouldn’t tell you what to do -- and here’s where we tell you what to do -- but Halloween has become synonymous with distasteful, unfunny and just plain lazy costumes.
And we really think you should just ... stop.
We’ve partnered with Mucinex®, a brand that wants to ditch the misery and start the relief, to bring you the cringeworthy costumes we’d like to banish forever.
1. Head-to-Toe Bodysuits
Image via Tumblr
Sure, this was funny that one time on “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” But this costume is deeply terrifying for everyone else, in the “has-an-actual-axe-murderer-entered-my-home” way, not the “funny ha-ha” way. We predict that you will likely do something both regrettable and totally irreversible on All Hallow’s Eve.
What it says about you: “I take things a bit too far.”
2. Severely Forced Couples Costumes
Please refrain from explaining the abundantly obvious sex joke. Just read this product description -- “USB port and stick is a perfect couples costume to insert yourself into this Halloween” -- and decide if that is the person you will choose to be this year.
What it says about you: “We use the phrase ‘making love’ with a straight face.’
3. The Sexy Costume
Image via Yandy
This has been much parodied but continues to be a pox (a pox!) on every Halloween gathering. So it bears repeating: we see what you’re doing, and it’s not original. (Unless you’re Heidi Klum, in which case, carry on and keep doing you.)
What it says about you: “I watched ‘Mean Girls’ and quote it with very little sense of irony.”
3a. The ‘Everything’s Sexy!’ Costume
What it says about you: “As my online dating profile says, I’m a totally chill, Netflix-and-sweatpants kind of girl! Sports!”
4. The ‘Well, I Have These Ears’ Costume
Image via Giphy
So you’ve dressed up as an ambiguous animal. You will spend your whole evening justifying your choice and detailing every event leading up to now: “Well, I was eating a waffle, and then I was invited to this party, but I didn’t have a costume, and I didn’t have time to make anything because I had to meet up with my pick-up improv league, which I couldn’t cancel, so then I went to the store, and there was this really long line, so I got a sandwich, and then I got these ears...” Also see: “Well, I Have This Sports Jersey,” or “Well, I Have This Work Uniform” costumes.
What it says about you: “Well, I have these ears.”
5. The Cultural Appropriation Costume
Image via HalloweenCostumes.com
Repeat after us: A race is not a costume. A race is not a costume. A race is not a costume. This is something we wish we didn’t have to repeat every single year, but here we are. Please step away from the face paint.
What it says about you: “I completely lack judgment.”
6. The Age-Inappropriate Costume
Image via Imgur
This one cuts both ways. So: grown adults dressed as sexy schoolgirls and Girl Scouts and babies, and parents who dress their children with no regard for their futures. Please, THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
What it says about you: “I had a weird childhood.”
7. The Overly Elaborate Pun Costume
Image via Imgur
While you get a pat on the back for sticking to “innocent fun,” your campaign to be the wittiest person at the party will likely go unappreciated. (“Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the bear arms? I’M THE SECOND AMENDMENT!” you say as you retreat from the punch bowl, glumly.) If you have to explain your costume to everyone at the party, it’s not them … it’s you.
What it says about you: “I like to punctuate jokes by saying, ‘It’s funny!’”
8. The ‘Newsworthy’ Costume About Tragic Events
We will not honor this genre with an accompanying photo.
What it says about you: See No. 5.
9. The ‘Newsworthy’ Costume From Last Year
Image via Spirit Halloween
We’re looking at you, Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke at the VMAs. You thought this costume was hilarious last year, so why not recycle it?
What it says about you: “I steal old People magazines from the dentist."