12/15/2014 05:49 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The 15 Phases Of Your Failed New Year's Resolution


2015's your year. Your Instagram's going to go viral and you're going to set the track team mile record and it's going to be the best 365 days of your life. Or something like that.

Everybody acts like the New Year = a new you, and it's the moment to transform yourself with a gajillion ambitious resolutions. But usually, it goes more like this:

Phase 1: Excitement and awe

You can be ANYBODY in 2015. The world is yours.

Phase 2: Designing your plan for world domination.

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NO TIME can be wasted.

Phase 3: Getting your game face on.

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You wake up January 1st full of dreamy-eyed possibilities ready to slay.

Phase 4: Making it through one day without breaking.

You went on that long run. You benched those weights. You read that long boring book. You ate your damn veggies. One day, they'll write a song about you.

Phase 5: And seeing Herculean improvement.

Is it just you or did you already get ripped?

Phase 6: Enjoying the pride and glory.

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You reek of success and everybody can see it.

Phase 7: And then the boredom sets in.

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Self-improvement's kind of annoying and your friends are all out having fun without you.

Phase 8: Indulging in massive junk food to congratulate yourself.

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You EARNED it by being a champion, OK? The physical and mental exertion of changing your life burns hella calories.

Phase 9: And then you break.

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You'll go back to being perfect again tomorrow.

Phase 10: And it's kind of hard to get yourself pumped up again.

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Um. You'll just a second...

Phase 11: You feel the looming threat of failure.

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Too many demands with too-high expectations! You can never deliver.

Phase 12: And the deep shame of not measuring up.

You're a nobody.

Phase 13: Self-loathing ensues.

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You'll never change, you'll never improve.

Phase 14: Then you wonder why you cared so much in the first place.

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This isn't your fault. It's the media's fault for making you think you need a New Year's Resolution in the first place.

Phase 15: But when you start to doubt yourself, just follow T-Swift's advice:

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Source: swiftalison.tumblr.com

Hey, you've been doing alright up through December 31, 2014. So what's the big deal?

Besides, there's always 2016 to be perfect.

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Totally Manageable New Year's Resolutions