It's like sleeping with all of Fiji.
In the offbeat comedy sketch above, comedy writer Mike Carrier, "Mr. Show" alum John Ennis and friends bring us another gem to celebrate a young women's mind-blowing sexual milestone: ONE MILLION partners!
Understandably, the 1,000,000th guy she's been in bed with isn't quite sure what to think of this. But come on, dude, she got you balloons and a commemorative mug to mark the occasion. Sounds like a keeper to us.
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Before You Go
Yes, you can get stuck mid-coitus
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In October, an Italian couple needed medical attention after getting stuck together. We should point out they were having sex in the sea, and although we can't remember our GCSE physics as to whether this may have caused a vacuum, apaprently there's a term for the interlocking: penis capitus. Sounds the name of a gladiator.
There's a name for someone who likes bugs on their penis...
Showtime via Jezebel
On American TV channel Showtime, there is a programme called Sex with Sunny Megatron. One of the guests on Sunny's show, Christopher (pictured) likes the sensation of bugs slithering over his penis. In other words, he's a formicophile. Still - could be worse, glass table etc etc.
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If you're trying to get laid, do not compile a spreadsheet pointing out when you didn't get laid
Imgur
Who could forget this? Frustrated by the lack of sex in his marriage, a man created a spreadsheet and emailed it to his wife. She then posted it online. The internet exploded and proved that you just shouldn't use Excel in any non-work situation.
Female ejaculation is officially banned from UK porn
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We don't mind that face-sitting and fisting has been banned from porn but female ejaculation? That's certainly one way to say that a man's orgasm is clearly way more important than pleasuring women...
Woman who slept with 10,000 men reveals what they really like in bed
Robbie Merritt
Gwyneth Montenegro told us her whole story about being an escort. Her sex advice for women? "It's not all about them. It's about you. Nothing pleases a man more than knowing that he has fulfilled you."
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Britain's underwear tastes are depressingly predictable
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John Lewis conducted a survey which reveals our underwear choices as a nation. The north west still likes a thong while Scots are the biggest buyers of control pants.
Ben Okri can't write good sex if it tried to dry hump him in the street
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We were pretty shocked at the winner of Bad Sex 2014, but Ben Okri's words are incontrovertible evidence. He ends his sex scene in The Age of Magic with: "Somewhere in the night a stray rocket went off." More IS than ooh-er.
Flirtmoji made sexting less gross but emoji more gross
Flirtmoji
We're speechless. But that's okay - no words are needed, Flirtmoji ranges from the Salvador Dali inspired bum-phone to the more literal two bunnies humping.
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The vaginal orgasm doesn't exist and never has done
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Sex experts welcomed the news that penetrative sex doesn't result in the big O for women, after scientists found "the key to all female orgasms lies in this small area outside of the vagina."
Men's sex toys are kinda terrifying - meet the 'Handie'
The Handie/YouTube
2014 was the year of men's sex toys that didn't involve a replica vagina. First there was the Guybrator, that looked like a posh vibrating sheath, there there was the frankly terrifying Handie that looked like something the kids knocked up in a tech class.
We found out what sex looks like in an MRI scanner
Cate Matthews
An open-minded couple agreed to have sex in an MRI scanner to see what it looked like. It's quite fascinating, but as anyone who's had an MRI can attest, also impressive they manage to keep going through the beeps and clanks the machine makes.
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