1. Comfortable shoes is a contradiction of terms.
At a certain point, you will order shoes by the dozens from Zappos and ship them all back the day they arrive. The problem is that shoes don't fit you anymore, at least not stylish shoes. Bunions, plantar fasciitis, corns and funky toenails all get in between you and dressing your feet prettily. You will laugh when a younger woman suggests that the office party is just two hours long so maybe you can squeeze your tootsies into a pair of heels. You will laugh, but you will cry on the inside at the foot-genocide she is suggesting you commit.
Whoever comes up with a comfortable version of trendy shoes will be a very, very rich woman.
2. Your feet hurt, even without shoes on sometimes.
Here's a simple life truth: If your feet hurt, nothing is fun.
3. The only thing worse than wearing no makeup is wearing too much.
Some days, nothing says "hello dark circles" louder than a face without makeup. But then there is the other end of the spectrum: When older women apply too much. The scary clown look is a bad look for people of all ages.
4. Eyeliner can't be applied while wearing glasses.
Not even a contortionist can do this. Truth. The result is that you must do it blind and be prepared for some strange looks, or get two pairs of cheap reading glasses and punch out the left lens on one pair and the right lens on the other. Sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous.
5. A short skirt is one that stops at your knees.
At some point, back fat expands and becomes knee fat; no, there is no science behind this phenomenon. Just know that if your skirt gets too short, you expose your knee fat.
6. The 3-inch shorts your teen daughter wears are not a shareable clothing item.
7. Forever 21 does not sell a single stitch of clothing you should ever consider wearing.
Not even those little camisoles were designed with boomer women in mind. Plus the music they play while you shop will induce a migraine.
8. Bathing suits are best shopped for alone.
Absolute preference should be given to the stores that have skinny mirrors. Bathing suits may be the last frontier for online shopping. Your UPS deliveryman can only carry so much, you know.
9. When you find a good pair of jeans, you are inclined to buy three pair. Don't.
Whereas a single pair of bell bottom jeans may have worked for your entire high school and college life, jean styles nowadays change rapidly. Yes, this makes jeans-shopping an ongoing event into perpetuity. On the way to the cemetery, you will ask the hearse driver if he minds stopping so you can shop a final time for jeans.
10. Bury all your mom jeans. Bury them alongside the ones that proclaim not to be mom jeans too.
11. Bras that fasten in the front are your new best friend.
Bonus points if the underwire -- and every bra you own will have an underwire -- doesn't leave a mark.
12. We may have really been on to something when we all burned our bras.
See #11.
13. Victoria's Secret is really just for women without breasts.
Are they serious?
14. You will try many face creams in your quest for the Holy Grail of wrinkle-removers.
Some will work, some will work for awhile, and some will just be a waste of money and swear you off face creams -- until you hear about a new one.
Do we really expect that magic comes in a jar? Apparently we do since the U.S. market for anti-aging products is expected to top $114 billion this year, says market research firm Global Industry Analysts.
15. You will spread the news of a good face cream the way a wildfire spreads in a California drought.
When you find a winner, you will rush to call all your friends and send them selfies of your new slightly wrinkle-less face. You will send closeups of the crow's feet around your eyes and insist that your friends must tell you if they don't see a difference after just two weeks of use!!!!
16. You color your hair more often than the box says to.
When you first start coloring your gray, once every six or eight weeks does the trick. Eventually you pretend that the "don't color more often than whatever" directions are just someone in the FDA covering his behind. You will color every 10 days and wear a hat if it goes any longer than that.
17. You will weep real tears when they discontinue your hair color.
L'Oreal likes to mess with boomer women. There is no other possible explanation for why they discontinued their temporary hair color without a replacement product ready to bring to market. Millions of women are engaged in a bidding war on eBay for the remaining boxes.
18. You may read a ton of stories about how invisible you are, but you don't really believe them.
Sexy is in the eye of the beholder -- if you see yourself as sexy, then sexy you are. Sore feet and all.
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