Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Will you please stop wagging your sausage in your sister's face and just eat it?!
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) May 20, 2015
-things I say at breakfast.
90% of a toddler's teeth-brushing process involves falling off a stool.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 22, 2015
A day in the life of a parent:
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 20, 2015
"Get in the car." (Repeat 4,000 times)
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 21, 2015
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Sometimes I tell my son "No!" and when he asks me why, I realize I don't have a good reason. Just reflex, I guess.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 22, 2015
But the no still stands!
4yo says when he grows up he wants to write for the New York Times.
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) May 19, 2015
"What will you write about?"
"Ho poo poo comes out of your butt."
Never turn your back on your:
— Court (@Discourt) May 19, 2015
•enemies
•toddlers
•toddlers ever
•toddler, seriously
•children of toddler age
•umm…. Toddlers.
My kids have approximately 400,000 toys, so it makes perfect sense that they're fighting over a dust-buster box.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 19, 2015
From the other room:
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) May 20, 2015
-Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
DAD?!
DAD?!
DADDY?!!!
DADDDDDDDD???
HEYYY DADDD????!!!
-What?
-Hi!
::scene::
WARNING: If your kid asks you to watch a "hilarious" clip on Youtube, don't do it. It will suck.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 18, 2015
Me: What do we do if a lifeguard blows their whistle?
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) May 19, 2015
5yo: You get low when the whistle blows!*dances*
Me:Time to change my Pandora Playlist
My 3-year-old thought postage stamps were stickers and put $30 worth on her shirt.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2015
I didn't even yell.
I just mailed her out.
"Maybe some people find you funny, Mom, but I'm not into old-lady humor."
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 19, 2015
--Recently-disowned son
It's all fun and games until your 5yo loses the game. Then, it's no fun and you cheated.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 19, 2015
Ill clean my house when my kids move out in 10 years.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) May 22, 2015
I've picked out names for all 7 of my future grandchildren so I already know I'll be a great mother-in-law.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) May 15, 2015
I'm not saying What to Expect When You're Expecting isn't a great book. I'm just saying it could benefit from a chapter on cocktail recipes.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 20, 2015
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
— eric (@ericsshadow) May 20, 2015
SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I'd wait until next week.
Putting four kids to bed feels pretty similar to losing in Tetris.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 22, 2015
Does anyone have 15 hours of sleep I can borrow?
— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) May 22, 2015
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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