THE BLOG

An Open Letter to Prince Harry

Dear Prince Harry,

I know it's shocking; after three years of goingoutiveness, you've been dumped.

Now I may not be a prince of anything except a country I made up called "Bonglandia," but I DO know what it's like to be dumped... And I'm guessing that, being a hot prince of The British Empire, this feeling of disappointment is a pretty foreign feeling to you (much like poverty... Or wanting.) But right now, post dump, you're vulnerable. You're raw. You're momentarily distracted from your constant daydream of killing your brother and father and ascending the throne. You're trying to make sense of it all--probably by poring over the last three years in your mind, trying to figure out where it all went wrong (my guess would be the Nazi Halloween costume a while back, but that's just me).

Have no fear, Prince Harry--you may be having "a spot of trouble" (American readers: that's Britishspeak for "a bit of trouble"), but we're gonna get through this! Here are some things that you can do to help you get over being tossed to the royal curb.

1. Start A New Charity

As a prince, one of your "Royal Duties" is to spend your time and energy doing charitable things. Why not use it to your advantage?! Here are a couple charitable foundations that you could start that I think would really help you forget all about being dumped:
- The Royal Institute of Free HJs
- PAC: Princes Against Clothes
- Prince Harry's "Please Let Me Chinstrap Your Sweater Meats" Foundation

2. Hideously Scar Your Better Looking Brother

That's right, PH. I said it. YOUR BROTHER IS BETTER LOOKING. It's time to do something about that... Namely, go Harvey Dent on his ass and kick him off all those "hottest bachelor" lists with a Dixie cup of acid right in the puss! If that's a little too harsh for you, Nancy, then maybe you can make up some story and get him locked up in one of those "Man in the Iron Mask" masks! It's like my mother always told me: Nothing makes you feel better about yourself faster than ruining someone else's life. P.S. I had an interesting childhood.

3. Repeatedly Listen to that Song that Was the Theme to Dawson's Creek

I'm getting all teary eyed just thinking about that song! Oh, Joey. Oh, Pacey. Who sang that song again? Paula something? It doesn't matter. Just have one of your servants Google "Dawson's Creek theme" and you'll find it. Good stuff, Prince Harry. I'd also recommend picking up a copy of Chicken Soup for The Soul. That'll chase those blues away, stat!!

4. I Was Just Kidding, Number 3 Was a "Man Test"

Dude, you didn't listen to that crap, did you?! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man!! I totally got you!! Ha ha ha ha!!! How's your vag, dude?! How do your feet feel in those high heels?!?? Ha ha!! Oh man... I can't believe that you fell for that!! Ha ha ha ha!!! YOU FAILED THE MAN TEST!!! Dawson's Creek was a pretty good show, though.

5. Look in a Mirror (or nearest shiny piece of metal)

Listen dudebro, no matter how many women never want to see you again, just remember one thing: You are royalty. You are a prince! And not a prince like that crazy guy with the BK crown who always makes a point to sit next to me on the M28 bus and smells like rotten cabbage--YOU'RE A REAL PRINCE FOR REALZ!!! Yes!!! Being a Prince is not just some made up title that means absolutely nothing in this day and age! It's not like you're some arbitrary, powerless obsolete figurehead who doesn't really serve any true purpose or function other than tabloid fodder for the nation's amuse--Wait, I might be wrong here. Let me check Wikipedia real quick and get back to you on that one. Sorry, bro.

Sincerely,

Aaron