12/03/2005 12:08 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Violence & Attacks

I expect insurgent violence in Iraq to increase during the run-up to my mother's birthday in January. I'm certain of this because resistance attacks also increased right before my daughter's second-quarter report cards this month. I had anticipated that violent uptick since attacks also increased in the period leading up to my renting a Charlie Chaplin video in the second week of October. And it got even worse right after I shaved last week.

Truth be told it seems that no matter what I do, violence in Iraq increases and never decreases. I'm getting paranoid. For a while I thought the escalating attacks were somehow connected to the various elections, referenda and unexpected visits by Condi Rice that plague the country but now I'm convinced it's all about me. How else can you explain that just about every time I use my ATM card there's a rebel offensive.

Now I'm sure some folks will point out that ever since US troops set foot on Iraqi soil the violence steadily escalated. But the "resistance to occupation" theory is just what the terrorists want us to think.

But I know attacks are directly connected to events on the ground. So no matter how much trouble it causes me personally, for the sake of international peace, I am going to stop using my dishwasher.