1. I'm gonna get them on skis by age 3. Black diamond trails by 5.
Actually 11 and 8, bunny hill.
2. They will be bilingual.
They barely get English.
3. I'll take them to all the restaurants we go to so they'll have a mature palate. No kid food for us.
They go to these restaurants and find one thing on the menu that suffices. Suffices after they order it with everything on the side.
4. I'm going to put my kids to bed later so they sleep later.
They wake up at the same time every day, no matter what time they go to bed. This wake-up time is two hours earlier than any human should be up.
5. I'm not gonna let them watch TV until they're 3.
Do Baby Einstein, Sesame Street, Dora the Explorer and Thomas the Tank Engine count?
6. I'm going to let them cry it out.
... for five minutes until I go back in begging them to go back to sleep while considering climbing into the crib with them.
7. I will teach my kids how to behave nicely on a plane. No whining or kicking seats from us.
Teaching = bribing them quietly and desperately.
8. My kids are not going to be the public-temper-tantrum, arms-flailing-about kids.
That girl fussing and crying on the floor of the bank was not mine. No, I am not sure why she was clinging to my leg.
9. I don't want my husband to get up in the middle of the night. Why should we both be up?
In the morning I want to stab his eyes out while he peacefully wakes from an eight-hour slumber.
10. Everyone has kids. It can't be that hard.