While walking past my neighbor's house the other day, I noticed her kissing a man at her front door. And I was excited for her. She lost her husband suddenly two years ago, and I'm glad to see that she is finding happiness. But it got me to thinking about my own situation. I have been divorced for nearly two years, and I'm still not ready to have someone in my life. The idea of talking to someone every day or seeing someone all the time makes me feel claustrophobic just thinking about it. Definitely there are days where I think that it would be fun to have someone to get dinner with on a Saturday night, but the thought of starting over terrifies me. Going on a first date, sharing my life story with someone (again), and finding out each others idiosyncrasies, just does not interest me at this point in my life.
My ex has moved on. He began dating someone last year. My self-imposed break has nothing to do with holding onto my past relationship or not letting go. Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what is the roadblock in my way. Why is it that I'm not ready to meet someone new? How long will the healing process take? Only time will tell. And I know that I shouldn't think about it, that it will happen when it happens, but sitting here on a Saturday night brings all these questions to my mind. I wouldn't trade the last two years of singlehood for anything. I have learned so much about myself and just how strong I am. I'm back in school pursuing my Doctorate degree, am training for my first half marathon, and running my small business. I also finally figured out how to use a charcoal grill and not overcook or undercook my burgers (a much needed skill in the summer in Maine).
But I still have that underlying fear, that voice in my head, which tells me that it may not happen for me again. I tell myself that I may be alone forever and I should get just get comfortable with that idea and not hold onto the fantasy of finding my soul mate. I mean, I am blessed I have a great son, supportive family, and a career that I love. But for some reason, it still feels like something is missing. There's a piece to the puzzle that I don't have, but until then I will continue to grow and learn just how strong I am.