06/08/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Steroids: Baseball's Misunderstood Savior

Let's get off A-Rod's back. It's not his fault that his name lends itself way too easily to the hilarious "A-Roid." In fact, let's give all the steroid taking athletes a break. I'm talking about "Juicin'" Giambi, Manny "Roid-mirez," Barry "Captain McRoidsalot" Bonds, and all the rest. Critics may describe their actions as unfair chemical enhancement, but I have a much more positive (pun intended) interpretation. These guys are athletic pioneers.

I believe that baseball players started juicing in an effort to save the sport. You may have been too sleepy to notice, but baseball is mind numbingly boring. According to, the average number of hits per game is nine. The average number of runs per game is slightly less than 5. And that's counting both teams. This is a sport that celebrates a pitcher who keeps the opposing team from getting any hits at all. Plus, a baseball game could theoretically go into 50 extra innings. It's no wonder that players have become steroid-addled mini-Hulks. They're just
trying to keep fans interested in the game.

Steroids provide the unpredictability that baseball so desperately needs. What could be more interesting than emotionally volatile man children with rock-like projectiles and bats? I know that I would be much more likely to attend a baseball game if there was the prospect of a 'roid raging batter snapping his bat in half and stabbing the pitcher. I would never miss a game if there was the possibility that the right fielder might jump into the stands and punch a Cracker Jack vendor in the face. Random violence and emotional breakdowns could provide baseball with the excitement that it's missing.

And let's not forget the hilarity of steroid nicknames. They may single-handedly be keeping the newspaper business alive. Who wouldn't pick up a copy of the NY Post with "ROID-GER CLEMENS" on the front page in giant letters? Thinking up steroid nicknames is the most interesting baseball related activity I've ever engaged in. Here are a few of my favorites: JC Roid-mero, Mark McGwi-roid, and Juicé Canseco.

If I were the commissioner of baseball, I would legalize steroid usage, nay mandate it. I would conduct tests to find the players who were NOT juicing, then fine or penalize them. Imagine baseball with thirty homeruns a game, constant fights, and occasional emotional meltdowns. It would be like professional wrestling but with slightly fewer folding chair beat downs. I believe that the first step to making baseball a remotely interesting spectator sport is an opinion shift on steroids. Let's start by giving A-Roid a pat on the back. Just avoid his butt, because it's probably sore from all the injections.