09/26/2013 11:17 am ET Updated Nov 26, 2013

Weight-Loss Methods I Wish Worked

Lying down is one of my favorite pastimes.

Because of this preference for passiveness, it's very difficult for me to work out. Why move around, sweat and increase my heart rate when I can curl up on my bed and... not?

Sadly, every three months or so, my pants tighten. Jeans are difficult to reason with -- they don't respect my passion for lethargy -- so I am forced to abandon my life's love, push myself out of bed, dust off my workout DVDs and commence the squatting.

I look at an iPad or an origami swan and am reminded of all the amazing things my fellow humans have accomplished. And yet, nobody has figured out how to stay slender without the inconvenience of getting up. Has no engineer ever been as drowsy as I am while still wanting to shake her fist at these injustices without her arm flab getting in the spirit?

Sure, there have been attempts, and I appreciate them because every failed trial gets us one (metaphoric) step closer to maintaining a six-pack while drinking one.

Here are a few unsuccessful methods that have disappointed me:

The Ab Belt:

Strap on this belly blaster and zap your stomach into submission without ever having to voluntarily flex a muscle. Equipped with 30 settings ranging from static electricity to electric chair, this core stimulator gives you the extra jolt you never knew you never wanted. Plus, it makes the ideal birthday present if you're looking to end a friendship.

This was the most painful $50 plus shipping my parents ever spent. I returned during a college break to find my mom and dad sitting on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond while passing this electro strap-on back and forth.

"What are doing?" I asked.

"Working out!" my mother said.

Upon hearing that this device crunches your stomach while you kick back with a bag of chips, I plopped down in line. I now know what it feels like to resist arrest, as my parents set their Ab Belt to "Taser."

It felt like I was a Berkeley rioter alone in a room with roided out police officers. The electric needles stabbed my stomach in an angry synchronized beat.

I yelped and my mother said, "Yeah, you have to build a resistance to the pain. We started at a low setting and worked our way up."

As I struggled to pull off the belt that was punishing me for a crime I never committed, my thumbs throbbed as if I'd stuck them in an electric socket.

"Oh, and your hands aren't supposed to touch it while it's on."

That was the last time I subjected myself to this torture regimen, but the fact that I haven't heard its rhythmic buzz around my parents' house in eight years suggests that it only left their abs worse for wear.

The Frozen-Food Fat Froster:

Freeze out your blubber because fat cells are like New England seniors: once it gets too cold, they travel down south. This method is inspired by Cryolipolysis (the medical procedure popularly known as Cool Sculpting, which dissolves fat cells using laser, ultrasound or RF current at very low temperatures), but the Frozen-Food Fat Froster is designed for huskies on a budget. Why pay thousands of dollars to a plastic surgeon when you can simply shop at your local grocer?

How it works: Hold frozen food against those problem areas. Flabby butt? Shove a bag of corn into your underwear. Paunchy stomach? Defrost your dinner meat against that tubby tummy. This should yield the same results as the medical method, proving there's no need for laser, ultrasound, or RF current when you stock your freezer with peas, steak and ravioli. Plus, after the food reaches room temperature, you can eat it -- guilt free!

I can't take credit for the invention of this process. I gleaned it from my mother who, after reading an advertisement for the plastic surgery, walked around the house with a pack of frozen hot dogs tucked into the front of her waistband, proving that when you're working on your appearance, you can't worry about appearances.

I suppose I should mention that, if you are too good to wear frozen food in your pants (ahem, pretentious), you could purchase the FreezeAwayFat Cool Shape Shorts with cold gel inserts. Same concept with a higher price tag, albeit a lower rate of humiliation.

Just remember: when your skin tingles with freezer burn, that's when you know it's working!

The Diet Fork

With its short dulled teeth, small shape and uncomfortable grip, this fork is actually the anti-fork, engineered to inhibit eating. For the irresistible price of $10 for 10, you too can make eating a struggle. Alternatives include eating soup with a regular fork. (Caution: for the hungry dieter, this method may result in dropping the fork and eating like a starving pit bull.)

I understand the concept here, but maintain that if the Japanese can eat using only two sticks and still produce men worthy of sumo wrestling, a short fork would slow me down only initially. I would overcome.

Weight-Loss Earrings:

Get thin through fashion with these aesthetically pleasing ear magnets. Place on your lobe one hour prior to meals, and keep them on as long as you can stand "the pinch." For those who believe in pressure-point therapy, that's the design of these magnets. For those who believe in aversion therapy, that's the design of these magnets. For those who believe in God, that's the design of these magnets. Just order them, okay?

Earrings, for weight loss. Pain, for weight loss. I have no comment to add.

My point is this: While I appreciate the feeble efforts made thus far to aid lazy people through their plight of losing weight without losing their slothful identities, we are only just beginning. These methods are the Z1 computers of the weight-loss technology revolution and what I'm interested in is the MacBook Pros. I want our finest minds to set aside their next great vaccine initiative and concentrate on conceiving The Fat Zapper Laser Handset -- a wand designed to locate and disintegrate fat cells on command -- the innovation that will allow us to look back and laugh at such elementary devices like the Ab Belt, or at least allow those who aren't laughing about it already.