09/17/2014 10:42 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2014

Getting Boys to Date (and Then Hate) You

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Alright ladies! The secret to getting the fellas interested and then creeped out and then interested again in less than 24 hours is in. And I've got it down to a science.

It all starts with attitude. When you up in dat club, make sure you ignore every sexy eye that comes your way. It's important that you sell yourself as a high-end liquor that's so top shelf it's unattainable for anyone under 30. This will make boys think you're pretentious. And nothing is more fun to chase than a pompous and truly unpleasant person who contributes nothing to their local, let alone global, community. If the boy's opening line is some sort of random compliment, dismiss it immediately! Common phrases like "ew" or "go away" work just fine. This lets him know that if he really wants you, saying, "You're beautiful" just won't cut it. Those phrases are a dime-a-dozen. You think WAY too highly of yourself for that bullshit!

So now that he's been chasing after you for at least a solid hour, it's time to give him a chance. When you finally give in, breathe a really heavy sigh so that he knows you're doing the world a fucking service by talking to him. When he says his name is Eric and he plays college baseball, act completely unimpressed. As if nothing's bored you more. Oh please, literally anyone could play college baseball. It's the easiest sport! Even easier than getting whiskey dick. You know that. And make sure he does!

At this point, he's getting pretty annoyed. But he's gonna keep trying because in the end, he just wants to make it rain on dat ass. When he offers to buy you a drink, make sure to order the most expensive thing you can think of. Or if you don't know, just ask. And then get that! A top shelf girl deserves some top shelf liquor. So be super demanding and rude to him, and then apply some flirtation to the bar tender liberally. That'll drive him crazy! Next, he's gonna want to dance with you. Because if his words didn't sway you, maybe his almost sexy body will. While you're dancing, only place one hand on him. Not too much touching. You don't want him to get any ideas! And never look him in the eye. In fact, when you're dancing, look literally anywhere besides his eyes. This makes him think you're on the look out for something better. There's plenty of candy in the shop tonight.

So now that you've been dancing for way too many songs, aka three, tell him you need to see where your friends are. As you approach them, make sure he watches you talk to them. Now, it doesn't matter what you're actually talking about with your friends, but make it look like you're blatantly talking sh*t about him. Pointing right at his face helps too. And give him the "up-down." You know like in Seinfeld when Elaine gets the up-down? Yea. Do that. His rage will probably be skyrocketing by now. But dammit! If he doesn't have you, no one will! By this point, the club is starting to close down. As is his patience. So now, he's gonna try to get you in that Uber and back to his pad that smells like farts. You knew this was coming.

So at this point, it's time to take out that wild card and make a personality 180. Operation: Hot Mess. Think Lavender Brown from HP. Or Kate Hudson from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. The club door is your personality portal, and now you're just a clingy mess. When you get in that Uber, wrap him in your arms like he's a Christmas present. Tell him you've never met someone so amazing as him. When you came to the club, you just couldn't keep your eyes off of him. And you can't wait to get back to his place and put his wittle Oscar Mayer in your Pepperidge Farm bun. If he starts sliding away, pull him in closer and give him a "The farther you go away, the harder it is to put the ring on my finger!" I mean... He's probably the one. And tell him that!

When you get back to his place, start making plans for redecorating. Obviously a full bed just isn't big enough! You like to spread out when you sleep, and you don't want him to feel cramped! Also, beige isn't a suitable color for a bedroom. So offer to bring a painter in the next day to redo the walls with more of a cerulean. It's much more tranquil for you. Actually, don't offer. Insist. In fact, just say you'll be back the next day to start bringing your things in! You're future together is looking so bright. At this point, he'll start to get pretty creeped out. So it's time to up the ante.

So now he wants to have the sexy time. Cause if you're personality sucks, maybe your action in the sack won't. Wrong! Right before he inserts himself, drop the big ol' V-bomb. Say it's your first time, and you're so thankful that it'll be with him. And ask him what missionary means. He'll love it. When he decides he doesn't want to have sex anymore, it's time to bring out the tears!! Ask if it's because he's still in love with Lauren. You looked at his phone and saw the texts. And looked through the pictures. And looked through his notes. Surely you were at the level of trust where that was OK. He'll probably rip the phone from you and then yell at you to leave. It's only a phase, and you know he'll just come around tomorrow. He's like this all the time!

At this point, he wants to throw you the f out. But it's also 4 a.m. So he decides to be nice and let you sleep over. And right as the sun starts to come up, so does your personality. It's a new day and a new you. So time to bring back the b*tch face. When you wake up, shove him awake and demand to know where the bathroom is. Put your hot girl disguise back on and get out ASAP. Move so quickly that he can't even keep up to what you're doing. For some reason, your recent change in disposition has him guns ablazing again. Suddenly, he's asking why you're going so early and if you wanna stay for breakfast. Obviously not. You've got stuff to do. You put your shoes on, grab your clutch, and head to the door. When he runs after you to open to door, give a big eye roll and a vapid "thanks." When he asks for your number and a chance to see you again, start to walk away and say "just Google me." When he says he doesn't know your last name, turn around, give him one last up-down, and leave him with an "oh well."


Let's be honest with each other. We all want to stick it to the male population sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean all the time. You can give me that "I'm focusing on my (nonexistent) career right now." But in the end, we're all hopeful for that next experience where we wake up the next morning and think "nailed it." It's what fuels young womanhood! And by following these easy steps, you can be sure he'll want to, but never want to, see you again!

You are welcome.