It's vital for mindful acts of emotional and spiritual intimacy to steadily develop as a daily practice for healthy sex. To that end, Center for Healthy Sex has created daily meditations to help you reach your sexual and relational potential. (You can subscribe for free here.)
Even momentarily concentrating on healthy solutions rewires psychological patterns to receive and share healthy sexual love in the present. Here are three meditations with the themes of oral sex, longing, and sighs for you to ponder and practice this week.
Meditation 1: Oral Sex
"It's dark and lonely work, Harry -- like oral sex, but someone has to do it." -- Andy Osnard
When did you learn about oral sex? Its initial discovery can be shocking because so much grooming pressure dictates that you have to cover up and keep yourself very clean "down there." During the oral stage of early childhood, most children are repeatedly admonished not to put objects in their mouths. Because of such programming, mouths and genitalia carry a lot of psychic weight. At different times in history, oral sex has exalted, condemned, and even used as punishment. How do you feel right now, just reading about it? We can liberate ourselves from the unhealthy shame, avoidance and fear that inhibit developing a pleasurable oral sex technique.
People like oral sex many different ways; there's no standard whatsoever and there are myriad subtleties in performing fellatio, cunnilingus, and anilingus. Do you know how to groom yourself for oral sex or share grooming tips with your lover? For some, giving but not receiving oral sex can trigger personal issues. Can you remain aroused while giving oral sex? Some people have the attitude of "tit for tat," counting the number of times like dealing cards. But oral sex doesn't mean one of you is "on hold" while indulging the other. Many couples develop a shared dynamic, mirroring a partner's energy and actions while performing simultaneous oral sex in the 69 position. Since you are solely responsible for your experience, it's healthy to be able to communicate what feels good and what could feel better. Such conversation can trigger feelings of shame, but only through truthful sharing can we fulfill intimacy -- even when everything feels great. When you truly connect with your own erotic feelings and sensations, giving pleasure will begin to feel like receiving pleasure.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Do you consider oral sex... sex? Does your partner? Have you ever talked about how you like to give and receive? Do you even know yourself? Explore your oral sex arousal template in writing.
- It's often challenging to express how we feel, especially if oral sex is painful, not that pleasurable, or poorly timed. Risk talking about oral sex today with your beloved.
- Some of the most memorable, hottest sex occurs when a lover pleases his or her partner with oral sex without expecting anything in return. It may evoke tsunamis of affection and appreciation! How might oral sex be received by your lover today, do you imagine?
Meditation 2: Longing
"Don't you long for something different to happen, something so exciting and new it carries you along with it like a great tide, something that lets your life blaze and burn so the whole world can see it?" -- Juliet Marillier
Longing is that ache, that unmet echo, those unfulfilled needs. It's such a romantic notion. In poetry, everyone longs for everything else. Sometimes when we want something so bad, the joy of anticipatory longing is even more exciting than actual fulfillment. Certain people seem to be hopped up in this constant state, always with something to long for on the horizon -- the next purchase, the next party, the next partner. Life eternally poised in possibility. What a way to feel alive, without actually doing any living.
Longing becomes its own orientation. Just as someone traumatized scans for danger and someone betrayed snoops for proofs of infidelity, so someone who has been deprived forever longs for something else. They can land the loving partner, the ideal job, the dream house and still get lost in longing. It's an addictive mind-state. Oftentimes spellbound states of wishing during childhood provided an escape or distraction from harsh reality. Intense longing might be preceded by an inability to handle ambivalence, usually described as life seeming "so blah." Longing is a cover-up for the inability to understand and express authentic needs.
Many times the needs underneath our longing remain unmet because we've never been able to articulate and share them. Early attempts might've been met with shaming, or perhaps we witnessed another's rejection and came to the conclusion that honesty results in pain. To bring the source of longing into the light of awareness rewires the brain pattern that constantly longs for relief without ever taking the obvious actions that would bring relief. Acknowledging our true needs doesn't guarantee they will be fulfilled, but moving beyond the fear that freezes us in state of unfulfilled longing might elongate our capacity for inner peace.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Have you ever deeply longed for a person or object? List the first ten examples of longing that come to mind. Is inner peace on the list? Is it even possible to long for inner peace?
- Summon the feeling of longing. As your nervous system becomes activated, look for similarities to the state of being triggered by danger, such as witnessing an argument or accident. Today, look for any triggers preceding each moment of longing.
- Longing is not loving, although they may coexist. The next time you feel longing, visualize sending out rays of love to everyone in need. Get yourself out of deprivation and into action.
Meditation 3: Sighs
"No sooner met but they looked, no sooner looked but they loved, no sooner loved but they sighed, no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason." -- William Shakespeare
Love is a relief. It's a relief finally to find someone who matches our inner vision. We might not even have realized how lonely we were, or how nervous. We all have unknown stress -- from not belonging, not sharing others' feelings or interests, fearing that we'll never deeply connect with another. To connect even for a moment on some level brings relief to swallowed stress, so we sigh. Art and poetry usually depict the lover's sigh as a swoon, but it may just as easily signify sadness, regret, dismay, boredom, or futility. Where there's a sigh, there's a provocation.
People who sigh during sex or in romantic embrace might seem to be in their own solitary experience. The slightest touch can release repressed tension that may be deeper than that of the current circumstance. Certain people, whether healers or seducers, have the ability to play people like a piano, touching more than skin -- touching this life tension and releasing a cacophony of erotic sighs.
What is it to exhale, and to accompany this exhale with a song? A sigh feels like it comes from the gut or the heart. It's an intimate sound, a communication in a way, as if words were superfluous. Is it possible to sigh without feeling safe? Sighing signifies trust -- a psychological seed that may sprout into articulation of ideas and thoughts, but is not yet at that stage. A sigh can be a way we express that we feel safe enough to share feelings or perhaps just them within ourselves. It's a space that we may create a lot of space around.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Listen today to the sighs and wordless sounds people make. Can you respond to the ringing trust that a sigh engenders? Notice the prosody of ensuing dialogue and try to elongate your emotional connections.
- Give a good sigh. Practice expressing unknown, inexpressible feeling through sighs. At what point does it feel forced or annoying, and when do you feel comfortable and safe enough to share these subterranean feelings through the direct language of the heart? Today, discover right-sized sighing to free your inner song.
For more by Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., click here.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.