I wish I could share some happier news with you.
I had been excited to tell you that I was pregnant, but sadly, that came to an abrupt end last week.
I usually try to write and share things that I hope will inspire or uplift you in some way, but I want to also share my sadness and pain as well as my love and joy.
And the truth is that life is full of all these moments. It's a rainbow of colors, feelings, emotions and experience that sometimes just feels gray.
So yes... last week I had a miscarriage.
And I went through the range of emotions that come with such a loss.
It all happened so quickly, and I don't think anything could have prepared me for the physical pain that accompanied the procedure.
But what surprised me most was the emotional pain I felt. Especially when getting pregnant with my husband Peter came as a bit of a surprise.
At first, I felt resentment.
After finding out at my doctor's appointment that the baby had no heartbeat, I went out for lunch and had a beer. A very large beer.
I felt angry that for the last few months I had been tired, nauseas and unable to enjoy my life as I normally would for what felt like nothing. I also felt angry at friends I saw who had normal pregnancies. Feelings of, "why did I have to go through this when they got to hear their baby's heartbeat?"
Those feelings soon passed and were replaced with sheer physical pain, turning into excitement at feeling better, and then transitioning into the sadness and grief that accompanies loss.
I did a lot of crying. I talked to God. Talked to friends. Was sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a nice card.
And I talked to women. It was such a gift to realize that I was not alone. So many women have miscarriages, even ones who have healthy babies now. It is nature's way. And it can also be a cleansing process to have a healthy pregnancy going forward.
Yet so many women sweep it under the rug. This was my initial reaction too. To just get over it and deal with the pain on my own. I think in part because I want to move on with my life. And in part because I feel like a failure. I have no idea why I feel that way, but it's a definite underlying tone.
Of course, no two miscarriages or experiences are the same. I can only speak for myself and my personal experience. For women who go through miscarriage late in pregnancy or lose their baby shortly after birth... my heart goes out to you, as I cannot imagine that pain.
This is why I knew I needed to write this article. So any woman going through this experience knows she's not alone.
Today, I'm just feeling gratitude. I haven't experienced much great loss yet in my life, and this process has brought a new sense of color and richness to my life that I hadn't experienced before.
During the actual pregnancy I felt feelings of depression for the first time due to hormones, so now I'll have a deeper sense of compassion for those suffering from depression.
The experience has brought me closer to my husband, who was there with me the whole time, holding a cold towel on my forehead when I needed it. And for his love and the bond we share I am extremely grateful.
It has also brought me closer to other members of my family and friends.
I am blessed to have a support network who reach out to me when I'm too afraid to reach out to them.
It has also taught me that so much is out of our control. This was my first pregnancy and I took it for granted. I thought it was within my control. God had other plans for me apparently. I learned to surrender... to my body, to life, to God. I know that next time I become pregnant one day (and I am still quite hopeful) I will embrace it for the miracle it is.
"What feels like the end is only the beginning." - Unknown