THE BLOG
12/16/2014 05:17 pm ET Updated Feb 15, 2015

I Went to See The Nutcracker So You Don't Have to

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My fiancee's parents won tickets to The Nutcracker, a ballet by Tchaikovsky that is considered "family friendly" and has allegedly something to do with Christmas. Below are the notes I took regarding the general plot of the show.

ACT I

The story begins, as many deviances do, in the living room of a huge Russian house. You can tell the house is huge, because the living room is so big you could have a whole ballet troupe in there and still have room for a tree and some tables. The adults are drinking and the children are playing, but they are also all dancing. They do this for a while.

A girl dances more than the other girls. She is the main girl. I think her name is Clara, which isn't very Russian. There is a short, asshole, kid hounding her. He is her brother. His name is Fritz, which is also not very Russian. A total freak show arrives, and he is dressed like an 1700's Burning Man person. He brings in a giant clock as a Christmas gift. Everyone is pumped and still dancing.

The clock does some weird shit. People dressed as clowns and toy soldiers are dancing and it is very confusing, but some are better dancers than others. There is definitely a hierarchy of dance here and the kids are at the bottom. Their dancing pretty much sucks and is basically just skipping to music. Everyone loves this though, and the weird dude is getting pervy with Clara giving her special attention. No one is alarmed.

The Burner gives Clara a "Nutcracker" doll. Fritz promptly breaks it. Burning Man guy does a half-assed job of fixing the doll, and the parents catch on that he's getting too friendly with the kids. Everyone gets shooed out, and Clara is put to bed. THE WEIRDO IS IN HER ROOM. He sprinkles something on her (Hallucinogenic?).

The house is infested with rats. The smaller rats are not great dancers. The toy soldiers aren't having any of this shit. They organize under the large gestures and prancing of the nutcracker. Shit goes down (in dance). Many rats and toy soldiers die. A giant multi-headed rat appears. He's wearing a crown and is obviously the level boss. He is wielding an exotic and curved looking scimitar as opposed to the Nutcracker's european-style saber in case you were wondering who the bad guy is.

The Nutcracker kills the mutant rat in a classic, Russian "Whoa! That was a little severe" kind of way. Clara is mad crushing. He's not even a toy anymore. He's now a dude in tights. They dance.

The set totally changes. It snows on stage, which is pretty cool. The good dancers come out. They do the total ballet thing.

ACT II

Clara and The Nutcracker sit down. That's it for them. Now they're just watching a show like the rest of us. There is a series of ethnic dances of increasing cultural insensitivity, they are:

Spanish: A lot of stuff happening. Four people prancing.
Arabian: Oof. No Burkas here. A lot of skin. Dude and girl. Very sexy.
Chinese(?): Oh Christ. No way. This is so offensive. Why doesn't someone say something?
Russian: Classic Russian dudes. Very gay. A lot of leather slapping.
Good Dancers: These people are obviously very good because they got a lot of applause at various intervals.

Everyone recaps what we just saw (in Dance). Clara leaves. She's in bed again. She wakes up! It was all a dream! Or was it?

The End.