05/20/2010 08:16 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

198-Foursquare: The Unfollowed Life Is Not Worth Living

Due to the privacy concerns of Facebook, Ali has abandoned the social networking site in favor of Foursquare. Foursquare is a new networking site and GPS styled phone application designed to let her friends know what she is up to, and more importantly, exactly where.

9:30 am

Ali just 'checked in' to Book Soup Bookstore on Sunset Boulevard. Ali bought a copy of The Stranger Beside Me: The Ted Bundy Story. But with the help of the SKU price scanner, the book ISBN number, Google Maps, CCTV, Homeland Security, and Ted Bundy's current protégé (who is standing beside her), this is already common knowledge.

11:45 am

Ali has just 'checked in' to the Frolic Room Bar on Hollywood Boulevard. Ali has 'unlocked a badge'. Badges are unlocked and awarded for interesting places or for frequenting certain places at off hours. Ali has unlocked badges at a number of bars. It is not Foursquare's place to judge, just monitor. And report back to headquarters.

2:15 pm

Ali has just 'checked in' to Starbucks on Hollywood Boulevard. No, not that Starbucks on Hollywood. The other one. No, the one on the corner. No, across the street from that one. No, on the southwest corner. Yes, that one. My goodness. It's like a literal foursquare of Starbuckses. How super convenient!

Ali is now the Mayor of the Southwest corner Starbucks, for being the patron that visits this Starbucks the most. She gets a free--Ali is no longer the mayor of this Starbucks. She gets nothing. This free stuff thing is really a bunch of bullshit.

3:00 pm

Ali has just 'checked in' to Dr. Finkelstein's OBGYN office on Wilshire Boulevard.

3:33 pm

Dr. Finkelstein has just checked into Ali.

3:45 pm

Dr. Finkelstein is now the mayor of Ali's vagina. He is a very thorough doctor.

Dr. Finkelstein will not remain the mayor of Ali's vagina for very long. Ali is going out in Silverlake tonight.

5:30 pm

Ali has just 'checked in' at Tender Greens restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. Ali purchased an organic salad with balsamic...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:00 pm

Ali has just 'checked in' at Sun Lake Drugs on Sunset Boulevard. Ali purchased the Spaceland special: Halls menthol cough drops and Trojan condoms variety pack.

9:15 pm

Ali has just gone 'off the grid'. She is checking in for points, but her whereabouts are not visible to the public.

9:17 pm

Ok, where is she? Who the fuck does she think she is? Why would anyone do anything and not tell everyone about it? What's the point? There won't be any cameras. Or stalkers. Or viewer's comments on her over sharing! It's like the night doesn't even count. The unfollowed life is not worth living!

9:22 pm

Overriding Ali's 'off the grid' request. Begin uploading profile link to CCTV/LAPD cameras. Activate hipster Lojack system now.