06/08/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Snarclight: A Portrait of a Hollywood Usher

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Arclight theatres.

I'm your entertainment chaperone for the sold out 8:45 showing of Hot Tub Time Machine, starring John "I have more gambling debts than you might think" Cusack.

We appreciate you choosing Arclight. And may I add that I personally appreciate you choosing to see this fine piece of cinematic history. I trained at RADA and now I wear a polyester vest. Keep it up, folks.

Your $23 ticket price enables you to enjoy ergonomically adjustable seats and personalized climate control should the room become too warm or cold for you. If you need anything else, please feel free to ask and I will begrudgingly help you.

I once played the title role of Cymbeline opposite Christopher Plummer at the Lincoln Center, but my manager thought I should have 'a go' at Hollywood. Sir, I hope you are enjoying that $8 dollar Toblerone.

We do not allow talking, whispering, hushed murmuring, beat matching, deal making, making out, or finger banging here at the Arclight, but feel free to text, Facebook or tweet the intricate plot lines of Hot Tub Time Machine to your friends through out the film.

Sir, please take your feet off the seat in front of you. This isn't a whorehouse. Although if we're playing Avatar for the 4th month in a row, we're pretty damn close. You know what? You can go ahead and put your feet back up.

If our gourmet chicken sausage focaccia sandwiches, kettle corn caramel popcorn or Cadbury treats aren't enough to keep you full, we have a bar and restaurant in the lobby serving expensive Hollywood Cal fusion cuisine, which, by the way, no one who works here can afford.

Did I mention our bar is a movie themed bar? Today's $10 drink special is the Hotel Rwanda Choclatini. I hate my boss.

Please notice the lighted exit signs in case of any emergency. Like if you suddenly realize that you just paid an ungodly amount of money to see a shit movie because you have shit taste and no priorities. That might be an emergency.

We hope you will pick up your trash and use the trash receptacles on the way out. But we know that you wont. Guess the 'going green' trend only counts when people can see you doing it.

Don't forget to validate your parking on the way out. It's a recession people. Every penny counts. Which is why, for the life of me, I can't figure out why you are all here... You saw the trailer, right? That's pretty much the whole freaking movie right there. But hey, who am I to tell you about entertainment. I mean, aside from someone who has performed on Broadway...

Anyway...With out further ado, err...except for another twenty minutes of advertisements and is your feature presentation: Hot Tub Time Machine.