Ladies! The biggest day of the year is coming up. Don't let another year of a flower-free desk or chocolate-less, barren, empty life make you miserable. If you don't get a ring, a date, a kiss or even a hello come this 14th, you could be one step away from suicide. Or worse, a Marie Callender's cheesecake!
It's imperative that you line up something special NOW so you don't look lonely to your friends, family and co-workers. You don't want people feeling sorry for you. Especially your therapist. Especially after he turned you down.
Look on the bright side: there's men at work. No, not the band Men At Work, but actual men at your place of work whom you've probably overlooked, pined for, ignored, or had awkward one night stands with. These are men who you can rekindle that passion with for one special Valentines night... and maybe a lifetime of uncomfortableness. But probably just for one night.
Are you unsure of whom your special someone in accounting might be? Looking for that knight in shining copy toner? Here's a survey that just might help you out! Pass this out at work to anyone who is a possible Valentine, dating, or life partner candidate (you can even tell them which category they fit in as you hand them this survey.) Have them fill out the form and hand it back to you.
Voila! You are on your way to attracting the cubicle-mate of your dreams and being fulfilled as a woman! Happy hunting! And Happy Valentines Day, Miss Cupid!
WORKPLACE DATING SURVEY
I hereby decree that I ____________________ have been a suitor, beau, lover, cubicle mate or all around good guy to ________________. I also hereby swear that I have not impregnated her (cross this out if necessary) or any other woman during the time of our relationship/tryst/working relationship. I also note that I am of sound mind and body or as good as it's going to get anyway, and I am fully capable of answering this questionnaire.
PLEASE CHECK ONE:
1) I care for ___________ so much as a friend that it pains me to think that us having sex may ruin our close bond. I need time to figure out what to do.
2) I used to think of __________ as just another gal, but she's kind of growing on me.
3) I am not interested in _________ as a friend or a fuck. I don't know where she got that idea and I wish she'd leave me alone before I get a restraining order.
4) I think _________ is cool. Yeah, man. She's definitely great for a lay or a laugh. But I don't think it will go past that because I am too self absorbed and slick for my own good.
5) My girlfriend is pressuring me to get engaged but I don't want to give up having sex with _________ on the side. I'm going to keep doing both and see how this plays out.
6) I really do like __________. I think I'm falling for her. But my
a) emotional immaturity
keeps me from taking the next step.
7) I have had a crush on _________ for some time but her fast-lane lifestyle scares me a bit. She could have any guy she wants. Why would she want to fuck me? Not that I want to fuck her. I mean, I do. But it's more than that. I want to love her too. Behind all that mascara and sack-lunch meth, I bet she breaks just like a little girl. I want to spoon her in my Papasan and tell her it's going to be all right.
8) Supply room closet. But never in public.
9) Honey, for the thousandth time. I'm GAY!