05/13/2010 11:52 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Why the Hell Are We Keeping Up With the Kardashians?

When I was visiting with my Dad some time ago, he asked me a simple question I couldn't answer...'Who are the Kardashians and why are we keeping up with them?'

Now, my Dad is a pretty pop culture savvy guy. He's a man that can never turn down a Rutger Hauer marathon, and can name every B actor Rutger has ever played opposite. Brendan Fraser is his favorite American actor and he has Fraser's complete 'canon of work' on DVD. He knows his music from Danny and the Juniors all the way to Gaga to Gwen to Beyonce. But the parade of reality rotters has him completely dumbfounded.

"Well, Dad, Kim was friends with Paris at one point and there was supposedly a sex tape, I think. And, well she goes to parties, so, yeah."

And...that's it? That's enough to hang a series on? It's enough to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars of budgeted crew money on, to shoot a show based on the girls in this family? For fuck's sake - there is a whole craft service department whose job it is, is to make sure there are enough snacks to satiate the film crew, whose job it is to follow the every move of the girls known as 'The Kardashians'...Yet they don't sing, act, design, dance (ahem), or set themselves on fire.

If they set themselves on fire I might actually tune in. Not that I want to promote reality snuff television. However, it would certainly weed out the playing field and ultimately promote quality programming, now wouldn't it?

But let's really try to figure out who the Kardashians are. Recently, this very website had a headline that stated: 'KARDASHIANS GO TO POOL PARTY'. That's how fucking important they are. They put on some brown lipstick and rayon and went to a pool and it was in the headlines. That story beat out Lindsay Lohan throwing a glass bottle at her ex girlfriend's head. Oh, and stuff about the oil spill.

So we really ought to know why we are keeping up with them. I asked some friends, and no one could tell me exactly who the girls were or what they did prior to the reality show, dancing with stars, or a perfume that I dare not ever sample - lest I unleash a scent from Pandora's box that screams media whore mixed with mediocrity.

I finally decided to rely on good ole Wikipedia. The Kardashian name is well known, because of the girls' father, Robert. He was a prominent lawyer who was most famous for defending and acquitting OJ Simpson.

By all means. Give his daughters a TV show.

I am annoyed by the constant barrage of tranny looking untalented anti-socialites who are plastered around the web and clog up my consciousness...but try to imagine if you are a family member of Ron Goldman or Nicole Brown Simpson. The rage you must feel to the tenth power, of being forced to view this jackass parade.

Somewhere along the way, their mother or handler decided to pimp them out like Gypsy Rose Lee or, a la Mrs. Hannigan selling little orphan Annies to the highest network bidder. By the way, these pimps are exchangeable, Kardashian, Gosselin, Suleman, Neirs-Arlington.

Oh, yeah. Picking up where the Kardashians and Jersey Shore left off, the mother of the Pretty Wild girls, Andrea Arlington, hit pay dirt. True, her daughter Alexis, now has to go to prison for burglarizing several homes, but oh, what a lovely bonus that is! That prison sentence, if it sticks, will only lead to further TV deals, book deals, perfumes, modeling contracts and a date with Dr. Drew. So who really loses? Paris Hilton hasn't been slowed down by her jail sentence. Prison is the new black!

And doing nothing has been very good to Kim Kardashian. She just attended the White House Correspondents Dinner a week ago, along with America's best and brightest, such as Jessica Simpson and Justin Bieber. Which makes us about as bankrupt as Greece, by my calculations.

I'm clearly doing something wrong. I should stop writing, paying taxes, and abiding by the law immediately. I'm going to by a bottle of vodka and some crotchless panties and I'm going out on the prowl tonight.

See you on E! in a couple of weeks, fuckers.

Get ready to keep up with me, Daddy.