Speech coach: When you're finished with your cottage cheese, we can get started.
Romney: Can't rush the lumpy, creamy goodness. Cheese curd is a miracle of God.
Speech coach: I think it's a miracle that people don't get sick from sour milk products, but I'm not sure where God comes into play. We're close to needing divine intervention with this election, though.
Romney: Some people add strawberries or pineapple, but I like it plain. That's 'cause I'm a real man.
Speech coach: We have very little time before the first debate, and you've got a long way to go. You need to appeal to the gay vote if you're going to have a chance to win this thing, and we need to train you to sell that.
Romney: I'll bet Obama adds fruit to his cottage cheese. He probably likes mangoes or something Muslim.
Speech coach: Seriously, Mitt?
Romney: I'm the next leader of the free world!
Speech coach: Not if you don't put as much passion into practicing your debate answers as you do your sour-milk breakfast curd.
Romney: OK, I'm ready. Sock it to me.
Speech coach: OK. I'm the debate moderator. Remember, before we get started, facial expressions count. So do the words you say. Mr. Romney, what's your stance on gay marriage?
Romney: I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman.
Speech coach: Do you remember that whole meeting we had yesterday? We all agreed that public opinion is now in favor of same-sex marriage, and you need to ease your position over a little to capture those moderate voters.
Romney: I thought that meeting was about the lunch menu. I only went because I'd really like to get Cornish hen included next week. With those little caramelized carrots. Damn, I love those little carrots. Can't stand the big ones, though. Strangest phenomenon.
Speech coach: Focus. Please.
Romney: Silly wabbit. Gays don't have kids.
Speech coach: Governor, please answer the question. What's your stance on gay marriage?
Romney: I believe that gays can get married if they're good-looking. Two men holding hands is already disgusting. Two ugly men holding hands is truly an abomination.
Speech coach: OK, that's better. Next question: Governor, you've been very clear on your thoughts around same-sex equality. Why the change?
Romney: Because I'm a goddamn flip-flopper!
Speech coach: Don't forget that everything is on the record.
Romney: Ha, ha, just kidding. I believe that good-looking gays can now tie the knot and join the rest of us in eternal monogamous hell, because of two very nice fellas that I recently came to know. Bruce and Larry moved in next door to us last month, and they hung a rainbow flag from their porch. Once I learned that they were not widowed brothers keeping one another company but were instead living in sin, I was ready to go introduce myself with my rifle and let them know that their kind is not welcome in our neighborhood. Just as I was leaving my house, there was a knock at the door. Who was it but ol' Bruce and Larry in their little cutoff shorts and tight tanks, holding a container covered with aluminum foil! Personally, I think real men should wear tighty whities and pants at least one size larger to let the boys breathe. Good for the sperm count. Anywho, I was intrigued enough to put the gun down and open the door. Bruce and Larry, or Lucy, as I now fondly call them, found out that I lived next door and that I loved cottage cheese. Wouldn't you know, they brought me a giant tub of cottage cheese! I grabbed the tub, fired off a warning bullet, and slammed the door in their faces, but as I sat there spooning the curd into my hungry mouth, a strange feeling crept into my heart. Gratitude, maybe? I decided that from that day on, I would let the gays marry.
Speech coach: Oh, Mitt. That's a moving story. Well done.
Romney: Want me to tell the story about how I changed my mind on abortion?
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.