09/25/2012 04:52 pm ET Updated Nov 25, 2012

Romney in Conversation With His Speech Coach on Gay Issues

Speech coach: When you're finished with your cottage cheese, we can get started.

Romney: Can't rush the lumpy, creamy goodness. Cheese curd is a miracle of God.

Speech coach: I think it's a miracle that people don't get sick from sour milk products, but I'm not sure where God comes into play. We're close to needing divine intervention with this election, though.

Romney: Some people add strawberries or pineapple, but I like it plain. That's 'cause I'm a real man.

Speech coach: We have very little time before the first debate, and you've got a long way to go. You need to appeal to the gay vote if you're going to have a chance to win this thing, and we need to train you to sell that.

Romney: I'll bet Obama adds fruit to his cottage cheese. He probably likes mangoes or something Muslim.

Speech coach: Seriously, Mitt?

Romney: I'm the next leader of the free world!

Speech coach: Not if you don't put as much passion into practicing your debate answers as you do your sour-milk breakfast curd.

Romney: OK, I'm ready. Sock it to me.

Speech coach: OK. I'm the debate moderator. Remember, before we get started, facial expressions count. So do the words you say. Mr. Romney, what's your stance on gay marriage?

Romney: I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman.

Speech coach: Do you remember that whole meeting we had yesterday? We all agreed that public opinion is now in favor of same-sex marriage, and you need to ease your position over a little to capture those moderate voters.

Romney: I thought that meeting was about the lunch menu. I only went because I'd really like to get Cornish hen included next week. With those little caramelized carrots. Damn, I love those little carrots. Can't stand the big ones, though. Strangest phenomenon.

Speech coach: Focus. Please.

Romney: Silly wabbit. Gays don't have kids.

Speech coach: Governor, please answer the question. What's your stance on gay marriage?

Romney: I believe that gays can get married if they're good-looking. Two men holding hands is already disgusting. Two ugly men holding hands is truly an abomination.

Speech coach: OK, that's better. Next question: Governor, you've been very clear on your thoughts around same-sex equality. Why the change?

Romney: Because I'm a goddamn flip-flopper!

Speech coach: Don't forget that everything is on the record.

Romney: Ha, ha, just kidding. I believe that good-looking gays can now tie the knot and join the rest of us in eternal monogamous hell, because of two very nice fellas that I recently came to know. Bruce and Larry moved in next door to us last month, and they hung a rainbow flag from their porch. Once I learned that they were not widowed brothers keeping one another company but were instead living in sin, I was ready to go introduce myself with my rifle and let them know that their kind is not welcome in our neighborhood. Just as I was leaving my house, there was a knock at the door. Who was it but ol' Bruce and Larry in their little cutoff shorts and tight tanks, holding a container covered with aluminum foil! Personally, I think real men should wear tighty whities and pants at least one size larger to let the boys breathe. Good for the sperm count. Anywho, I was intrigued enough to put the gun down and open the door. Bruce and Larry, or Lucy, as I now fondly call them, found out that I lived next door and that I loved cottage cheese. Wouldn't you know, they brought me a giant tub of cottage cheese! I grabbed the tub, fired off a warning bullet, and slammed the door in their faces, but as I sat there spooning the curd into my hungry mouth, a strange feeling crept into my heart. Gratitude, maybe? I decided that from that day on, I would let the gays marry.

Speech coach: Oh, Mitt. That's a moving story. Well done.

Romney: Want me to tell the story about how I changed my mind on abortion?