At last, Barack Obama is the Democratic Party's official nominee. Now, the Democrats move forward to November, but what sterling proxy will rise forth from the political herd to wow the country as Obama's right-hand man (or woman)?
Thus far, the suggestions are stunning in their mediocrity. There's not enough blogging room available on the internet to properly tear apart all of the Veep suggestions, so I have decided to focus on two of my favorite suggestions: Bill Richardson and Tom Daschle.
This is probably an appropriate time to mention that the following critique is chock full of profanity, offensive observations, and sarcastic musings.
Bill Richardson
Did YOU know Bill Richardson is the Governor of New Mexico and was a United Nations ambassador?
You may have heard these trivia nuggets one of the eight million times Bill credit-dropped them before reciting his stump speech during the Democratic debates. It didn't matter what question the moderators asked him, ole' jiggly chins somehow contorted his way back into explaining that he hails from the great state of New Mexico. We get it, Bill. Mexicans LOVE you.
I know this kind of resume-dropping is a small thing to harp on, but it's a huge pet peeve of mine. You just know Richardson is that dude at the party no one wants to talk to because he always name-drops in the midst of every story because ONE TIME he got to go back stage at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's sort of like how Bill claimed for nearly 40 years to have once been a major league baseball draft pick, but has since admitted that's not true. It's one thing if you're at a high school reunion and you lie about that shit, but who says that on national television? Did he think people would unquestionably believe that the redundant chubster was once a professional athlete?
On a deeper psychological level, why would someone lie about something so silly? Sure, all politicians lie, but this seems to be a deep insecurity problem with Richardson. He constantly inflates his achievements and downplays his mistakes even when -- and this is unique -- it's totally not even part of the fucking dialogue. He just throws shit into the mix sometimes, totally unprovoked.
I knew kids like this growing up. I'd be hanging out, having a grand time by the slide on the playground, and out of Camp Nowhere, some little spaz would run up to me and say, "I CAN SAY THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and I'd be standing there, brow furrowed, thinking: Bravo, Fuckhead. No one said you COULDN'T.
But what did Richardson do as Governor? Well, for starters, he sold out his beloved Mexican brethren. According to Prospect.org:
In 2005, the state legislature, with the blessing of its Democratic governor, Bill Richardson, passed legislation that essentially crippled the ability of groups like ACORN to do mass voter registration. In 2006, ACORN had only 10 certified canvassers in the whole state, and registration plunged to 2,000 new applicants from 35,000 two years before, according to ACORN's top New Mexico organizer, Matt Henderson.
ACORN protects minorities from Republican misinformation campaigns that flier poor neighborhoods with incorrect information: wrong addresses for polling places, incorrect times, etc. ACORN also ensures that minorities are protected from crafty Republicans who like to suppress their votes by demanding certain kinds of IDs during voting. Keep in mind that voter fraud instances are extremely rare and these "preventive" laws do more harm than good, but they are highly effective at suppressing black and Latino votes, which is the goal of the whole legislation. You heard it here: Bill Richardson hates Mexicans.
However, to give Bill his kudos where kudos are do, he is very experienced with foreign and domestic policies, a big fucking whiff of fresh air after eight years of the ass-clown disaster in the White House right now. I'm also pretty confident that, while he sold them out, he wouldn't round up Mexicans and burn them alive like someone Republicans are itching to do.
Richardson also made New Mexico the first state to provide life insurance for National Guard soldiers called to active duty. Richardson is pro-choice, has backed civil unions in New Mexico, and supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants who are already in the U.S., paying taxes, and learning English.
On the other hand, Richardson arranged to purchase a $5.5 million jet with state money, though he says that is wasn't just for his use. I assume he was going to take small Mexican children into space to see the staaaaars....
A federal judge named Richardson as a probable source of leaks to the press about Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee, who admitted mishandling sensitive data but was ultimately absolved of espionage--related charges in 2000.
He has been accused of the archaic "You-Raised-Taxes-When-You-Said-You'd-Cut-Them" political character assassination. Here's the thing that always pissed me off about this accusation: taxes pay for social programs. New Mexico (more than most states) needs increased federal and local spending, so while Bill may have lied, his constituents may very well have prospered from his decisions. Besides, Republicans have no right to claim they're the No Taxes party anymore, considering they've taxed the middle class more than most other Democratic presidents, at this point.
But herein lies one of Bill's weaknesses: he won't admit he did raise taxes. To the bitter end, he'll claim he slashed taxes.
Other pros: He grew a beard! I got so happy when Richardson emerged -- months after the Democratic race had dwindled down to the two front runners -- with a full beard! He looked derailed, wild-eyed, and ready to fuck shit up. And, boy-oh-boy, DID he! First, he betrayed the trust of the Clintons (something that will win my heart every time,) and threw his big, Hispanic support behind Obama. Next, he started racing around, campaigning hardcore for Obama. Now, his change of heart could be because one of two things happened: 1) Richardson is a spineless "Yes-man," who throws his support behind whichever horse is ahead at the time, or 2) Hillary insulted his beard. I'm guessing she insulted the beard. She seems bitchy like that.
Tom Daschle
Former U.S. Senator and Senate Majority Leader from South Dakota.
Tom is married to professional hottie Linda Hall Daschle, a former Miss Kansas (which isn't as big of a deal as you think. It IS Kansas, after all.)
More complex than the average trophy wife, Linda carved out a successful career as a lobbyist. Her clients include American Airlines, which received $583 million in cash subsidies following the September 11, 2001 attacks as a result of legislation supported by her husband.
During Tom's career, Linda also served as a Federal Aviation Administration deputy administrator, a role critics claimed would increase her influence considerably when she returned to lobbying.
Although Linda declared that she would not personally lobby the Senate during her husband's term of office there, this restriction did not apply to the law firm of Baker, Donelson, Bearman & Caldwell for whom she worked. Several of her clients benefited to an unusual extent from Senate legislation; perhaps the most notable of these was L-3 International, makers of an airport x-ray security machine which the U.S. Department of Transportation was forced to buy in large quantities despite it being declared ineffective by the department's Inspector General. On at least one occasion the device leaked dangerous amounts of radiation.
So if you ever find yourself poisoned from radiation at an airport, thank Tom Daschle and his cunt wife.
Of course, as so often happens when a swollen FOX-fed, unqualified, IDIOT pollster attacks anyone, I want to like Daschle, particularly when useless intellectual vacuum, Frank Luntz, sent out the following memo to his brothers of the night:
It is time for someone, everyone, to start using the phrase 'Daschle Democrats' and the word 'obstructionist' in the same sentence. It's time for Congressional republicans to personalize the individual that is standing directly in the way of economic security, energy security and even national security. Remember what the Democrats did to Gingrich? We need to do the same thing to Daschle.
ANTHRAXED!
* In 2001, Daschle was sent a letter that had been exposed to Anthrax
CATHOLICS HATE HIM
* Though he is Catholic, Daschle is pro-choice, a position that earned him criticism from Roman Catholic bishop Robert J. Carlson, who advised Daschle to renounce his faith. Daschle did not renounce.
MAY BE SLEAZY, BUT CHECK OUT THE OTHER GUY
* In the 2004 Congressional elections, Daschle lost his seat to Republican challenger and former U.S. Representative and professional asshole John Thune in a bitterly contested battle. This campaign was NASTY. Thune questioned Daschle's patriotism, and Thune also ran a viciously homophobic, anti-choice campaign.
WHERE IS HE NOW?
* Hold on to your hats: Another politician joins K-Street lobbyists. Daschle has signed on as a Senior Policy Advisor with Alston & Bird
* He currently makes between $800,000 and $1 million anually
* Daschle is also a senior fellow at the Center for American Progess
IM IN UR PHONE, EAVESDROPPIN ON UR CALLS
* On February 13, 2006, Daschle became one of two Democrats (with Rep. Jane Harman of California) to endorse a controversial domestic surveillance program conducted under the authority of President George W. Bush by the National Security Agency (NSA)