03/18/2014 05:02 pm ET Updated May 18, 2014

Marry Smart...or DIE!

The following is an excerpt from Marry Smart...OR DIE, a parody of the "Princeton Mom" by Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby:

So, I wrote a letter. Actually, I wrote thousands of letters. A's, and b's, and some p's and even a q. I put them all together, in order, so that they formed words, and then, sentences. When you have a Princeton degree, people expect that from you.

I wrote a letter and posted it on my blog after visiting my son at Princeton. I was spending time with him and his friends at Cottage and started chatting with a few of the girls. They were talking about their majors and their upcoming summer internships at Goldman Sachs, Google, Pixar, and "Watch What Happens Live" with Andy Cohen on Bravo TV. One girl mentioned she was shadowing a pediatric surgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital. I nodded, and tried to look encouraging, but honestly, with this much Botox, it's hard to get my face to look even remotely human. As a successful businesswoman myself, naturally I was impressed by the way in which these girls could imagine themselves having actual careers.

It was adorable.

After listening to them share their ambitious plans for their futures, I asked, "How many of you are married?"

The girls looked at me with complete surprise, but I was the one who was truly shocked when none of them raised their hands!

"Girls," I screamed, "You are already 20 years old! What were you waiting for?"

To make matters worse, most of the girls admitted that they didn't even have boyfriends, claiming they were too busy with their classes, humanitarian efforts, and successful start-ups! Okay, that all sounds like nice, but I don't think your new iPhone app is going to get you pregnant.

That's when I knew I would have to take matters into my own hands. These girls, despite being enrolled in what could only be described as the most important educational institution on the planet, were a bunch of idiots.

So I took to my blog! I posted a list of incredibly useful tips and tricks on how to trick a man into marrying you before you graduate and become a barren 23-year-old hag. The number of hits on the web page was almost in the double digits! My fans had spoken. I knew I had to write a book filled with this advice. I could not stand to watch an entire generation of bright, well-educated girls waste their lives on building successful careers without ever becoming wives and mothers.

Thanks to my loud mouth and bold attitude I have never been "popular" or "well-liked." But I have always been right. Of course, you are entitled to your own opinion, but just know, you're wrong.

After my blog post went up, I did receive some negative comments claiming that I was "insane," or "off my meds," or "a selfish bitter divorced nightmare." But clearly whoever wrote those things about me did not go to Princeton.

The truth is that getting married, and having children should not just be part of an educated woman's plan for her future. It should be the only plan. Women can physically only have children when they are in their late teens - maybe early 20's - so technically time spent at college is working against their biological clocks. That is not to say I am against women getting college degrees - of course I'm not - but I do think their time spent as undergraduates should be used much more efficiently.

Ladies, you can go to class pregnant. I promise.

The young women studying at Princeton or other Ivy League schools are not taking advantage of the fact that they are literally sitting next to future world leaders in the dining halls. These men will ultimately rule the world after graduation. Doesn't that sound like attractive sperm?

If you don't hook these men now, you will only get older. And less attractive. Once you're 25, just forget it. The desperation will seep out of your pores, and your former male classmates will have already moved on to younger models.

I have been working as an executive assistant at J. P. Morgan for almost 20 years, so yeah, I think I know a thing or two about being successful at business. During my years there, I have seen this scenario play out over and over again. Smart women spend years getting advanced degrees, overseeing projects, and mastering their fields. Because they were listening to radical feminist Suze Orman and not their biological clocks, the only things they have to come home to every night are the successful careers they built for themselves.

How depressing!

And if you don't want to get married or have children, that's fine. That's your choice, and yes, it's the wrong one.

At the age of 22, if a woman has a college degree, but no husband OR child, her chance of dying alone increases to approximately 87%. If by 30, this woman still hasn't managed to land a man, she might as well kill herself. I mean, seriously.

Get the ebook Marry Smart...OR DIE to read more

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