03/20/2012 08:38 am ET Updated May 20, 2012

Crash a Red Carpet

In real life you are doomed if you believe in youth and money, but not here in Hollywood. Nothing is what it seems.

Everything is for sale in Hollywood; the fairy tale, the costume, the pumpkin, the footman and the mice. Money has a habit of disappearing, so be careful, as nobody seems to be earning anything and are haggling for everything.

Tinseltown is eerily silent when The Oscars, The Emmys, and The Grammys, The Sag Awards and The Golden Globes aren't in full swing. But rest assured that everything will heat up again after Thanksgiving. So if you hate celebrity then visit now because unless that A list star you all love isn't offered two first class ticket, three suites in an hotel, free clothes, free cars, free stylists, guaranteed press, a make up and hair stylist the celebs aren't pre-disposed to public outings.

Everybody is quiet in Beverly Hills unless there is a knife to their back or a sack of golden coins to their front to make them smile.

Of course you will ask "where have the stars gone"? Well, they are off filming and working on new projects, that is if they're lucky enough to have jobs.

There is superficiality to Hollywood and yes, it is charming. Of course there is sunshine but there is also a dark side. It's a difficult place if you don't know people and, if you can't drive, you will find it lonely. You have to create your own bubble.

If you want someone to like you, you have to do what they like and you have to pay. That's why everything that is good and noble is also commercial. Misery sells, kitchen sink drama sells, charm sells, pretty Demi Moore breaking up with her 25-year-old boyfriend sells, especially if the boy goes off with another star.

People are forgotten quickly and it depends how much you spend on a publicist. These are the people who you entrust to raise your visibility in magazines, newspapers, television and film. Everything can be staged -- supermarket visits to attract the press or the search for a new person to "love."

What is fame? It is a commodity. It is a costume that you can take off at the door. Most people here want to be an exhibition -- and then what? They become a spectator sport. There is nothing worse than this to make you insecure. There will always be a prettier, younger, cleverer person in the room. Few actors can beat Valentino in his prime.

Here, if you want to crash the right red carpet, which is very difficult to do, make sure you go with a bossy PR person, slightly plainer than you so you look the star, and then ask her to hold a board up that spells your name correctly in large letters. The photographers, with the help of the publicists, drive the buzz about you, getting agencies such as Getty and Wireimage to sell the pictures they take. Make sure your make-up has been put on well, you are stylish and you say you are committed to a new television show. It doesn't matter which one because they are unlikely to have watched it. Fact is they will be looking over your shoulder for the next juicy steak to walk down the carpet.

And lastly -- when you go out remember Coco Chanel's wise words; take one thing off and work the costume. She had good ideas to follow if you wish to climb far.

I was told I was brave yesterday to drive my customized Mustang, as you are judged the minute you leave your garage, either by the police or by your friends. Some said it looks too rock and roll and others think it's not grand enough. A Bentley is just not my scene, but here it gives you kudos. But be aware that in this city most cars are on loans which hardly ever get paid off.

A useful social tool is to have a charity that you can proclaim. Choose from subjects like cruelty to puppies or starving children anywhere. But remember that there is no guarantee that the poor child in the photograph will directly benefit from your largesse. The point is for you to look purer than pure. Diamonds and fur are hugely controversial everywhere, many have died for both. People here know the difference and they attach a charity to it, have certificates for it and then, of course, sell it "Blood Free."

One last word of advice.... If you find time to go to the beach or hang out in Tapanga Canyon you are never going to make it. This is a working city.

That said, this is also a place where you can get Cupcakes from a slot machines in the middle of the night. Charming, indeed.....