07/26/2012 11:23 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Inability of Children to Hold Onto Toys in A Car

We recently went on a trip with the kids. In the car. It wasn't very far, but we were in the car for a good four hours. This detail is actually irrelevant because the following happens EVERY time we are in the car. It is just that it happened 721 times during our trip. This is the story...

We are in the car. Driving. Actually, Crappy Papa is driving because he usually does and this is one of the reasons that I married him. (Seriously, willingness to drive was a requirement on my "has marriage potential" list when I was dating. I hate driving. Except bumper cars. Those are slightly fun because the whole point is to be bad at it.)

What was I talking about?

The car. So we are in the car. Before they got buckled in, Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby carefully selected toys (from the piles on the floor of the car) to hold and play with.


All is well. We drive two blocks.

And then:


Crappy Boy drops his toy. He ALWAYS drops his toy.

I twist my body between the front seats to try to reach it:


And I can't.

He tells me it is behind my seat so I reach back on the other side of my chair, groping around blindly. And I still can't reach it.


I tell him he'll have to wait until we stop.

We stop. I find it and give it back to him.


I warn him that I'm not going to pick it up again. It was the last time I'll get it. Just hold ONTO it! If he drops it again he'll have to wait until we get to our destination to get it.

All is well. We drive two more blocks.


And then:


Sigh. Crappy Baby this time.

Why are children completely unable to hold onto a toy in the car seat? They are sitting! Reclined! The toy is in their lap! Why is it so hard to hold onto?

Are they trying to get me to play mama dog fetch? Probably.

So like the loyal retriever that I am, I return Crappy Baby's toy one last time.

And tell them both that it is over. Mama retriever is no longer playing fetch.

All is well again. We drive two more blocks.


It worked! I'm a smart dog after all! Maybe collie level even. Check it out, I'm like the Lassie of parents.

And then:


Nope. They really, truly are unable to hold onto something while in a car seat.

But not to worry, I've figured it all out. I once discovered that car seats are a source of hallucinations. Well they also impair hand function. It makes them too weak to grasp onto things for long periods of time. (Most likely because they are being bitten in the butt by an imaginary monster and their circulation is cut off or something. I don't know. I haven't done the scientific research yet.)

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