For some time, I've felt like the black sheep. Not for one particular reason but for many. With a very divided upbringing and being bullied in school, I always felt like I had to make my own way. But during this time of making my own way, on this journey I've felt very much alone.
It wasn't until adulthood that I felt I had real friends or even real genuine people around who truly cared. Imagine going your entire life feeling lonely -- empty at times. My journey was 85 percent of me trying to avoid meeting people in which the relationships resulted in me being repeatedly wronged by people I loved. I was living in avoidance of life continuously repeating itself.
The funny thing? No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I feared, life still fu*king happened. Fear does not prevent life from running its course. Fear actually makes it easier for life to run a number on you because you live expecting it. And anytime anything slightly resembles what you're afraid of, you run... I spent half of my life running. I also spent the same amount of time pointing the blame. I held people hostage with my hatred. Condemning the ones who never showed up to clap for me. Condemning the ones who walked away when all I ever wanted them to do was to stay.
I love you, how can you not love me? How can you not want to stick around? Look at me, I'm being successful, clap for me? Why aren't you clapping for me? Why don't you care? These were all of the questions that I had, but did they truly matter? Did it matter if people showed or not?
My eagerness to be desired, liked, validated and appreciated, was strong. But it also stood in the way of two very important relationships. The one with God and myself.
Then one day, I stopped counting. I stopped living for those who weren't living for me. I stopped being worried about the people who were no shows. I stopped looking around for validation or appreciation. I clapped for my damn self when there was no one else. I turned my back on the idea that I needed anybody to approve of my greatness. I forgave the people I felt caused me hurt and I moved forward with my life. I sought healing. I sought out to love myself so these feelings that I felt wouldn't ever reoccur.
Here is why we need to learn to stop counting who shows up. When life comes to an end and we stand before God on judgement day, it'll just be ourselves and our creator. We will have harbored on these old feelings for most of our lives. Carrying around hatred and unforgiveness because we wanted man to be what only God can be to us. If we aren't careful we can spend our whole lives overlooking the people who do appreciate us and show up for us. We can forget to acknowledge those people because we're too worried about those that are never there.
Stop counting. Stop keeping track. If they were meant to be there they would be. Life is about growth and progression. We cannot progress nor can we grow if we are stuck on why the world does not clap when we do a job well done. Now is the time to learn that you are valuable despite who sees your effort. You are meaningful despite who sees your power. And your success is unlimited despite who refuses to clap when you accomplish great things. Turn your back on the people who don't see how much of a gem you are, but run toward those who do.