11/22/2013 06:29 pm ET Updated Jan 25, 2014

5 Ways To Become an Effective Social Media Douchebag

This year people will spend more time on digital media than watching TV. TIME TO FREAK OUT!!!!

You could loose your shit, or you could do the smart thing and cash in on the fear by becoming a social media expert. Don't know the difference between LinkedIn and Lean In? No problem! Here are 5 easy ways to earn crazy amounts of cheddar in the exciting world of social media douchbaggery.

Talk a big ass game
Your job as a social media douchebag mandates that you're condescending to anyone who knows slightly less about social media than you do. Start by establishing your credibility. Tell your friends that you were on Facebook back when The Zuck was cyber stalking hotties in his Chem class. Talk about creating apps for everything. Need to increase sales? Make an app. Have extra inventory? Make a cool app. Even if they just need a responsive website, push apps because it makes you sound like you know what you're doing.

Drop your Klout score into conversations
Klout scores measure how awesome you are at social media by ranking you in a gladiator match against other social media douchebags. Drop your Klout score casually in conversation just to impress people. Don't have a Klout score? Just make one up, nobody actually goes to the site to check. By focusing on arbitrary numbers you can ignore the point of engaging with influencers, which is really to find people that will be influential to YOUR target audience. If the biggest name in Rat Basketball (yes, it's a thing) talks about your toilet paper product, does it really make a difference? Tools like Traackr analyze not just the most influential people but the most influential people in your field.

Talk about how Instagram/Pinterest/Snapchat is the next Facebook
During a recent earnings call Facebook's Chief Financial Officer David Ebersman said, "We did see a decrease in daily users among younger teens." Of course this was cause for alarm. Show everyone how on top of things you are by referring to any new social network as "A Facebook killer," even if it only has 30 people and your second cousin on it.

String together buzzwords, constantly
Buzzwords are the bacon bits of the social media world, you should add them to liberally to everything. As long as you put at least two buzzwords in every sentence you'll maintain the illusion that you know what you're talking about. (Bonus points for using alliteration with your buzzwords like Knowledge KPIs). Forget the fact that succeeding in social follows the same formula as anything else in business; know your goals, plan like a madman, execute with passion measure everything, optimize based on numbers and then do it over and over again until it's right.

Talk about goals without ever mentioning metrics
From now on metrics are your kryptonite. As a true social media expert you should talk about big, sassy goals and never back them up with measurements on how you would reach them. "It's social media, we measure our success by how many times Gary Vaynerchuk exasperatedly mentions us on Twitter." Instead of taking a goals based approach that ladders everything back your objectives, just fake it until you make it.

When your next boatload of cash money drops at your doorstep from being a social media asshat, you'll thank me.