09/17/2014 10:07 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2014

An Open Letter to Apple: I Know You're Trying to Date Me

Dear Apple,

We need to talk. I know you're trying to date me.

Given that we've been good friends since the late 90s, it's a wonder I didn't see this coming. Never mind that I'm a happily married woman -- we both know that we share something unique. I can't resist you. Perhaps it's the oddly seductive bite on your shoulder, or that you stick around despite the fact that you know what I look like when I have an accidental FaceTime session. Perhaps it's because you're the only one who knows that when I tell people that I like smooth jazz, my iTunes library proves it's really not a joke. Our bond is unique, and you like it that way.

Still, in the past few weeks it's gotten a little ridiculous. Last week, while I scrolled through my iTunes list of newly-purchased songs to play Meghan Tranior's "All About That Bass" (a song my dear friend sarcastically refers to as "a very important mother/daughter bonding song"), I looked down to discover an entire U2 album on my playlist. By the looks of the terrible album cover design, I thought for a minute I might have gotten tipsy and purchased a bunch of U2 Karaoke covers. Further inspection revealed I'd never heard of the titles. With no time to investigate, I set myself a reminder on my iPhone that simply read, "U2?"

You patted yourself on the back, didn't you?

The next day, you emailed me to let me know you'd given me the album for free. I wasn't sure I liked the way it happened - it was a little sneaky after all - but hey, free is free, and it got my attention. But, when further reading revealed that you'd slipped the new U2 to 500 million iTunes customers, I was reminded that I wasn't so special after all. You gave free U2 albums to all the girls. In the world.

I went back to reminding myself of your flaws, specifically as it relates to storage. Let's not dance around the fact that we both know size matters. When it came time for an upgrade, my husband bought me your fancy iPhone 5 with the biggest storage capacity. I know you loved that! When I maxed out that storage, I came back for more. I heard your slow clap; for a little round guy, you certainly don't lack confidence.

Lately, though, I've had a bit of a wandering eye. Why carry on such a tumultuous relationship when other providers are wooing me with their dazzling commercials and email ads? Just when I entertained the idea of leaving you for good, you send an email telling me you're going to refund me $4.43 and offer me more storage. I'm sorry? Now you're giving me money? You have no shame!

Okay, Apple. If you really want to woo me, let me help. Thanks for the U2 and the storage. I like free. Keep that up. I also like white gladiolas, red wine, short stories by Raymond Carver, and even though I'm a feminist, I'm also a Southern gal, so go ahead and open the door for me, and I just might kiss you on our first date.

As for my husband, I'm sure he won't mind. I'm pretty sure we can make this work, but it will come at a cost. He'd like a new iPhone 6, and carte blanche to spend as much time with Siri as possible. She's quite the temptress herself.

When it's all said and done, you've been good to me, and I am thankful for our special bond. It's clear to me that leaving you would be too much for me to bear. After all, I'm certainly not the first woman in history to be tempted by an apple.