04/29/2013 01:11 am ET Updated Jun 28, 2013

Divorce Vows to My Ex-Husband


I was recently invited to a vow renewal celebration. I'm sorry, in my opinion there is nothing worse than standing on a beach watching two long-term happily marrieds tell each other they would do it all over again while you are still paying off your divorce attorney. (Plus, my chardonnay gets hot.) Also, as friends of the couple, we know that she asked him to leave when he was in full-blown midlife crisis mode a few years back, and he gave her lap band surgery for her 40th birthday. She was expecting diamond earrings.

Then I thought, why should they have all the fun? How about a divorce vows celebration? I have been divorced for over a year now, and the dirt has settled. I am now ready to write the vows that I will pledge to my ex-husband and more importantly, to myself. Why not share them with friends on a beach?

To My Ex on This Special Day:
  • I vow to stop opening the wine basket that still comes to you every Christmas from the insurance company;  but, in my defense, who can resist a good bottle of Leibfraumilch and a pound of peanut brittle?
  • I vow to stop looking at your recent wedding pictures online. (OMG is that Krug champagne the waiter is pouring? Really?)
  • I vow to stop calling your new bride my sister wife as it seems to really incite her.
  • I vow to stop calling your old bike shorts my fat pants.
  • I vow to quit telling the creepy pool guy that you still live here.
To Myself on This Special Day:
  • I vow to not answer "I'm divorced," when someone asks me what I do.
  • I vow to let the anger and bitterness go and dig deep for the inner strength to do so.
  • I vow to stop considering myself as "left."
  • I vow to spend one hour a day on interests or hobbies that will spark new creativity and passion.
  • I vow to cultivate new friends that know me not as part of a couple but as a single woman with exciting interests and the desire to be around others who share them.

These vows are different from the ones I would have written a year ago. Those would have been directed at inflicting pain and suffering on my soon-to-be ex, such as, "I vow to give your fly rod to Frankie the handyman," or "I vow to put your imported Cigars through the shredder." We shared 27 years together and made four beautiful children. We both deserve to be happy.

Divorce has been a tough road, but now that one year has passed and I'm looking back, the road is open and inviting. To all those present at the vows, I would say "yes." Yes, I would do it again.