09/10/2013 07:07 pm ET Updated Nov 10, 2013

Kim Kardashian Is Normal Like Me

Stop the presses! The news is out, according to former French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are "Are so normal." Well duh Carine, who ever doubted it?

I have always felt a certain kinship with the big-butted beauty, (Kim), as we share many of the same life experiences. For starters, she spent nine months in her mother's womb, as did I. She breathes in oxygen and exhales carbon dioxide just like I do! Her mother has -- oops, make that HAD a talk show -- and, oh wait, I don't think my mom did have a talk show now that I think about it. But, we both have moms, and that's what counts.

Check this out, we have both been married and divorced. We both had fairy tale weddings; hers took place at a sprawling estate in California, and mine at the Unitarian Church across the street from Krogers on Brownsboro Road in Louisville, Kentucky. She had a guest list of 400, I had a guest list of 15 -- including the photographer, who insisted on being in the count for a dinner plate. Still, we each had guests at our wedding.

Unfortunately, we both faced the devastating blow of divorce; mine after 24 years and hers after 72 days. We both handled it with class and dignity, she by keeping it to a private mediation and not allowing any filming of her reality show during those sessions and me by curling up in bed entombed in a blue Snugli and eating Captain Crunch out of a box for roughly 30 days. Like Kim, I also declined interviews, other than when the police came to my home and asked if I had a permit for the racks of used men's clothing and shoes I had placed on my front lawn. Yes, we both know the pain of public scrutiny.

Kim and I both have Twitter accounts. I found that a lot of our tweets are similar! For instance:

Kim: Obsessed with my quick fix essential! The #KardashianSunKissed Instant Sunless Spray is everything!!!
Me: OMG. Dry shampoo? I'm obsessed. #RHOCMarathonTooBusyToShower

Kim: Chill day with blacchyna rachel_roy
Me: Salsa stain on fave rachel roy tshirt

Kim: Black Amex at Panda Express LOL RT
Me: Target Visa over limit at Dunkin :(

Kim has two sisters and I have two sisters. What? No. I believe those other two girls on the Kardashian show are junior maids in training. Anyway, I'm sure you get my point. We are one. I thank Carine for letting the world know what I have always known: Kim Kardashian is just one of the gals like the rest of us. Now I must dash -- Karl Lagerfield is waiting outside to take me to my photo shoot where I will sport a gold grill and let everyone look up my nose. Ciao.