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First World Problems: Thanksgiving Edition

What better day to mock ourselves with First World problems and agree we have it good in the USA?
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Journalist and fiction writer

Journalist and fiction writer
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What better day to mock ourselves with First World problems and agree we have it good in the USA?

  • They were sold out of $9/pound Heritage turkeys so I had to settle for an organic turkey.

  • The pop-up thermometer in the Butterball never popped.

  • My sister convinced me to invite the whole family to my house again, and "she'd cook everything" -- except she asked if I would make turkey, vegetables and stuffing.

  • We couldn't get reservations at the club until 7 p.m.

  • One of the guests saw the Whole Foods containers in the recycle bin, so I can't pretend it was a home cooked meal.

  • I got two free turkeys from Shop Rite and don't know which to cook.

  • Flying to the islands for vacation is so crowded over the holidays.

  • The turkey is too big to fit in my oven.

  • I'm flying home for the holidays and the airline wants to charge for my bag.

  • Only 30 shopping days left until Christmas.

  • The help wants Thanksgiving off.

  • My supermarket did away with phone ordering, so I had to walk in and order my turkey.

  • Our usual five-star restaurant in the city serving was booked, so we had to settle for a 4-star Thanksgiving meal.

  • Supermarket was out of chicken stock, gotta use Swansons.

  • My son invited that girlfriend who drinks beer out of a can.

  • The caterer we usually hire for the day was booked, so I have to try someone new.

  • I had to wait five minutes for a parking spot at King's.

  • My daughter is bringing home a vegetarian friend from college so I had to buy Tofurkey -- plus make up the guest bed.

  • I can't decide whether to make my mother's or mother-in-law's stuffing; both are coming early to "help."

  • My teachers gave us homework over Thanksgiving.

  • My ex has the kids so I'm spending Thanksgiving on match.com.

  • It's our first married Thanksgiving and we have to eat dinner at both parents'.

  • Our favorite sushi joint is closed on Thanksgiving.

  • My mom insists I help, so I can't be on Facebook all day.

  • I have to choose between recording A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving or Grey's Anatomy on the DVR.

  • The kids want to go to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and I can never find parking.

  • I can't fit the mashed potatoes on my plate, so I'll have to come back again.

  • My guests asked if they could take home leftovers.

  • I'm on a no meat/carb/sugar diet, so I have to pack some carrots and hummus to take to Thanksgiving dinner.

  • The traffic was a nightmare.

  • My daughter was invited on an African safari by her college roommate, so she won't be home for Thanksgiving.

  • There aren't enough leftovers, so I'll have to cook dinner tomorrow.

  • I have to work on Friday.

  • The four-day weekend goes too fast.

  • I got chintzy hostess gifts.

  • I have to kick guests out by 8 p.m. so I can get to Black Friday sales at Toys 'R' Us by 9 p.m.

  • The guests brought wine that doesn't complement turkey.

  • I re-gifted a candle to the hostess, but the card addressed to me was still in the bag.

  • My boss always gives us a half day on Wednesday but waits until noon to announce it.

  • My mother-in-law is bringing her candied yams which I pretend to adore but spit into my napkin.

  • My husband watches the football game and I get to talk to his parents.

  • My dining room only fits 20.

  • I can't find my turkey centerpiece in the attic.

  • I opted out of the family get-together and ordered a pizza. It was cold.

  • We went to see Breaking Dawn again in the multiplex, but it was sold out so we had to see The Muppets.

  • I don't have service for 15, so have to mix and match dishes.

  • My housekeeper needs to go home to her family before dessert is served.

  • My team lost at Trivial Pursuit.

  • I ordered Chinese food. Instead of brown rice they brought white.

  • I had to fill the dishwasher twice.

  • I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

    • I'm happy to report that my 15-year-old introduced me to First World Problems on Tumblr, Twitter and reddit. This means I don't have to lecture her anymore about starving children in Africa. Mission accomplished. Happy Thanksgiving! Please add your own First World Thanksgiving problems in the comments below.

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