There was a line in the Bravo show Odd Mom Out that went something like this: "You should just be a mom, that way you don't have to worry about hobbies." I laughed way too hard. It's so sad and true. Most of us don't have time to think about hobbies or tap into our passions after kids.
We all lose ourselves as moms and let's face it, it's all by choice. We chose to have kids and most of us dreamt of having a family for years. Yes, it's hard and sometimes we cry in the bathroom, but overall parenting is one of the most rewarding experiences in the world.
That said, it doesn't make it easier to deal with the insane change in our "normal" lives before kids. We all want to feel alive, loved and free and being responsible and in charge of little people make it super hard to get that.
I believe that we all deserve to have a life outside of our home, to do things just for fun, to never feel guilty for experiencing our entire life, to enjoy life with and without our children... and not only that, but doing so makes us an even better parent.
We can have fun and be a mom. We can be a woman and be a wife. We can live a life of purpose and passion. We can have hot, steamy sex with our partner and still raise responsible fun caring thoughtful children.
So how do we do this?
1. Get Clear On Your Desires. What lights you up? Write down what's really missing and what activities make you feel most taken care of and fully alive. Finding what lights you up is the first step in creating the life you want.
2. Get Over the Guilt. It's totally normal to feel like you "shouldn't" be tapping into your desires. But in reality? That's BS. Because not only do you really-effing-need-it, it's the best thing for your kids and relationship too. It's hard to get through those guilt feelings on your own though. When you first make the leap into reviving your "secret identities," some stuff is gonna come up! Get a coach or friend who is willing to be a sounding board for you.
3. Create Systems That Make You Comfortable. When you know your children are taken care of, fed, safe and happy everything else becomes easier. Work on identifying what areas you need to handle in order to relax and be fully present. This isn't always easy, but give it a shot.
4. Revitalize Your Relationship (and Sex Life). Yes, finding the time for romance is a huge struggle, especially when you're exhausted and not feeling it all the time. But let's be honest: you want to love up your partner/husband/man and feel HOT again, right? You absolutely can! At least once a week sit down with your partner and talk. No TV, no phone, just talk. See what happens.
5. Bring Adult Activities Back. You always wanted to be the mom who went out with friends for nice dinners. You're into culture, sophistication, diversity and sometimes you miss that life. Concerts, museums, shows, ballets -- these stimulate your mind and make you feel VIBRANT. It's okay to want (and have) these experiences. No matter how much you love your children, sometimes you just need to remember what it feels like to be a grown up (outside of the responsibilities part).
Focusing on you will lead to some amazing changes. Your family will thank you for it!
Andi Wickman is a mentor, certified life coach, certified holistic coach, hand holder, lifter-upper of moms who want to live a more energetic, HOT life. She helps mamas feel more confident in their lives, bodies and relationships so they can be more present, caring parents and humans. (And so they can really enjoy the heck out of life for a change!)
She runs a Get Back to Intimacy 4 Week VIP Intensive program for moms who are ready to feel more alive. {Space is limited}. You can also check out her 8 Days to Intimacy Challenge here.