THE BLOG
08/04/2010 12:37 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

A Girl I Know Stabbed a Guy Who Broke Up With Her

On Tuesday morning my sister told me that a girl we used to know was in our hometown's local newspaper. Apparently she had been arrested for stabbing a guy.

According to the reports, her boyfriend broke up with her via text message and told her she could pick her stuff up in the parking lot near his house. When she went over to his house, she attacked him. He wound up getting stabbed in the shoulder and nearly had one of his fingers cut off.

Now, before we get to the most pertinent information, let's review. 1) The man who was stabbed breaks up with girls via text message. 2) The man who was stabbed doesn't allow heated emotions to dissipate before suggesting the exchange of personal belongings post-breakup.

And now, most importantly...

3) The man who was stabbed carries a knife in a sheath located on his belt.

Yes, you've read correctly.

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I took the liberty of adding exclamation points where the newspaper editor had clearly forgotten to add them. Let me enlarge and add some dazzling effects, because I want this to get the spectacular treatment it deserves.

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Ah, yes, because who hasn't walked down a residential street, sans knife, and come across a fish in desperate need of gutting? Or happened upon a knot that was just too frustrating to figure out with clumsy, unsharpened fingers? Or chanced on an unsliced apple during a bout of agonizing hunger?

With gunpowder-contraption technology so far off, you simply never know when you'll need the aid of a knife--nay--a knife and sheath.

Let's be honest, the sheathed knife is becoming the new pocket watch. How often do people approach you asking the time anymore? With the proliferation of cellphones--also a sheathed, belt accessory, I might add--it's a rare occurrence. But how many of you, just today, were approached and asked if you were in possession of a knife? Probably 6 to 80% of you, am I right?

No one cares what time it is anymore. What they do care about is, are the people they need stabbed getting stabbed? This recent news suggests that they are. And I think that's great news for America's go-getter, get out there and attack the day (as well as anyone who's got it coming to them) spirit.

Now of course a pocket watch would be useful if this stabbing were needed at an appointed time. So, if you know any publicly traded companies currently developing hybrid pocket knife/pocket watch technology, I suggest you get on board. Recent news suggests you're about to become very, very wealthy.