12/15/2011 05:28 pm ET Updated Feb 14, 2012

Bun-in-the-oven Funnin' Week!

It seems like every day there's a new story about "reports" of a starlet being pregnant. And by reports, I mean, "my keyboard told me." Usually these pregnancy rumors are eventually proven false, but not after a huge, round belly of stories is birthed insisting otherwise. And it's based on nothing more than a photo where the woman has her hands on her stomach.


Because, as scholarly journals tell us, women don't ever touch, look at, or interact with their belly if there's not a tiny human inside it. At which point, everyone can touch your stomach.

So, I would like to suggest to female celebrities everywhere Bun-in-the-oven Funnin' Week. For an entire week, female stars will walk around with their hands on their belly. They'll look at their stomach more regularly. They'll have friends and family, and especially husbands and boyfriends, look at their belly a lot. Lots of attention will be given to your belly.

Get crazy with food...
  • Order a steak and tell them to put a pumpkin pie on top!
  • Order a full bushel of carrots, and tell them you want a gallon of chocolate syrup with it, served in half a car muffler!
  • Order a quiche filled with the nut and bolts of Taco Bell drive-thru window!

If they refuse any of this, start crying -- you know, hormones and such? While always holding and staring at your tummy. Everyone in your party should also be staring at your tummy or have a hand on it. They can cry too if they'd like. Hey maybe the hormones are just that powerful.

If every female celeb did this for an entire week? Think of the chaos that would ensue on a tabloid level. People would think something got in the water around Hollywood. Or that the NBA lockout gave players more irresponsible-kid-having free time than normal.

And when the paparazzi snap a photo of you, starlets, with your hands on your belly, your hands can very quickly transform into middle finger displays.

Let's do it! Bun-in-the-oven Funnin' Week!